Category Archives: Jokes

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Lady Jokes

Little Old Lady (joke)

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement!

Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag … ‘

‘Oh, really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off ‘

‘Well, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well….’ says the little old lady, ‘…not everybody pays”

Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Preacher Jokes

Screw the preacher

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A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,…..no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, …. “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a? new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”? The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,….”If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”? More sighs and loud applause,

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, …. I will give him sex!”
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,…..”Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ….? “Screw the Preacher!'”

Drinking Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Drinking Problem (joke)

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drinking joke / gay joke
A young gay man’s friends intervened to help his problem drinking. He got involved with AA and after much struggle was clean and sober for a year. To celebrate, he held a small dinner party for his friends who were quite proud of him. He swore then and there to use the same techniques to stop smoking. A year later, he held another party to celebrate being tobacco free. Again, his friends were amazed at his good health. A year later, he hosted another party to announce, “I’m no longer gay.” All his friends, both gay and straight, were amazed. “How have you managed to change your life so drastically? ” “Did you use the same techniques you did when you stopped drinking and smoking?” “Was it a change of lifestyle?” “Was it religious?” He quieted them all and said, “Oh, nothing so drastic. It’s just that, after I quit smoking, everything tasted different!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Military Promotion (joke)

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military joke
The colonel had one First Lieutenant slot available, but three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. He called the first candidate into his office and said, “If I told you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Headquarters by 1700, what would you do?” The Lieutenant thought a moment and then responded, “Sir! I would get a shovel, head for HQ, and start digging!” “You’re not ready to be promoted,” said the Colonel. He then asked the next candidate the same question. “Sir! I would fill out a CE work order, make provisions for appropriate environmental studies, and…” “You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” said the Colonel. He asked the final candidate, who immediately responded, “Sir, I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1600!” The Colonel barked, “You’re ready to be promoted!”

Blonde Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Mechanic Jokes

Seven Hundred Ten

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A blonde walks into the local garage and asked for a “seven-hundred-ten”.

They all looked at each other perplexed.

Another customer asked, “What is a ‘seven-hundred-ten’?”

She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

Still perplexed, he then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked “is there a ‘710’ on this car?”

She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.

[photopress:710.jpg,full,pp_image]

Funny Jokes, Groaners, Jokes

Something is Wrong With My Leg (joke)

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“Doc, you gotta check out my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear to my thigh; you’ll hear it.” The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh and heard, “Gimme a hundred bucks. I need a hundred bucks.” “Why, I’ve never heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?” said the doctor. “About a week. But there’s more, Doc. Put your ear to my knee.” The doctor placed his ear to the man’s knee and heard, “Gimme fifty bucks. Come on, lend me fifty bucks!” The doctor was dumbfounded. “I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never encountered anything like this before.” “Wait, Doc, there’s more. Put your ear to my ankle.” The doctor did and heard, “Please, gimme a twenty. All I’m askin’ is a measy twenty bucks!” The doctor shook his head. “I have no medical diagnosis for you,” he said. “But I can tell you this: your leg is broke in at least three places!”

Blonde Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Jokes

Smart Blonde and the Lawyer

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay, ” says the lawyer, “your turn”.

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you, ” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Don’t Screw With a Cowboy (joke)

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A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire. As he got out, the boyfriend spotted a cowboy nearby, sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend, “Watch me make that cowboy change my tire!” He got out and ordered, “Hey, you! Get off that horse and change my tire.” The cowboy lit his cigarette and ignored him. “Hey! I told you to change my tire. If you don’t, I’ll kick your a$$!” The cowboy glanced up and said softly, “Tell you what, feller. First, I’m going to finish my smoke. Then I’m going to get down off this horse, kick your a$$, and make you change your own tire while I play with your girlfriend. And when you’re done, I’m gonna make you hold my balls up out of this hot sand while I do it to her.” Later, driving away, the girlfriend said, “That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn’t he, baby?” The boyfriend replied, “Naw, he wasn’t that tough. Did you see him flinch whenever I dropped his balls in the sand?”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Three Boys at the Barber (joke)

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Three young boys were reading magazines while waiting for the barber. One boy had Popular Mechanics, the second boy had Field and Stream, and the third boy had somehow found a copy of Playboy. An elderly man sitting nearby asked the first boy, “Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?” The boy reading Popular Mechanics replied, “I want to be the best mechanic ever!” Then the man asked the second little boy, “Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?” The boy reading Field and Stream replied, “I want to be the best fisherman ever!” He hesitated after noticing the third little boy’s magazine selection, but he finally asked, “Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?” The boy reading Playboy replied, “Well, I’m not ‘xactly sure what you call it, but I just can’t wait!”

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

What Size Do You Need? (joke)

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A man walked into a country store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if they sold condoms. Noticing his unease, she decided to have a little fun. “What size do you need?” she asked. “Uh, I don’t know. Size?” “They come in three sizes. This happens all the time. Don’t worry. We have three knotholes in the fence out back you can use for sizing. Just go put it to the test.” When he did, she sneaked out the backdoor and was waiting for him by the fence. When he put it through the first knothole, she gave him a hand job. When he put it through the second hole, she gave him oral sex. And when he put it in the third hole, she pulled down her pants and did him herself. When they were finished, she ran back into the store. After a while, he finally came back in. “So? What size do you need?” she asked. He answered, “None, but I would like about 8′ of that fence!”