Category Archives: Jokes

Drinking Jokes, Ethnic Jokes, Funny Jokes, Irish Jokes, Jokes

The Irish Good Samaritan

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Paddy Reilly and his wife were awakened at 4:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door. Paddy gets up and goes to the door where an inebriated stranger, standing in the pouring rain. is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says Paddy, “It’s 3:00 in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push.” says Paddy.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No I did not. It’s 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well. You have a short memory,”says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and these two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

Paddy does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes” comes the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out Paddy.

“Yes, please.” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks Paddy.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

Funny Jokes, funny pics, Jokes

WTF image – the best

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I’ve seen a lot of WTF pics, but this one takes the cake. Really – what’s going on here? Is this a contest to see who can be the best swiffer? Is it a weird animal imitation? Or yet another example of how Asian people do really weird stuff?

wtf pic

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Sex Jokes

Poor Little Rich Girl

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The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee. When he delivered it, she said, “Jeeves, I can’t remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?” “I carried you upstairs, Ma’am, and put you to bed.” “But my dress?” “It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I removed it and hung it in your closet.” “But what about my underwear?” “I feared the elastic might limit your circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them.” “What a night!” she sighed. “I must have been tight!” “Only the first time, Ma’am!”

Animal Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Parrott with X-Ray eyes (joke)

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Three female roommates got a parrot. Every morning when they passed before it, the bird pronounced three colors. One day, it said, “Yellow, blue, black.” The next day, “Pink, white, blue.” Finally, one of them realized those were the colors of their underpants. She mentioned it to the others, but they didn’t believe her. So the next day, as a test, they all wore black panties. Sure enough, the parrot said, “Black, black, black.” They were astonished. The next morning they decided to trick the bird by wearing no underwear at all. When they passed before the parrot, it looked puzzled but clearly said, “Straight, curly, shaved!”

Funny Jokes, Groaners, Jokes

Snow White (groaner) joke

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Snow White used her new digital camera to take pictures of all the dwarfs. When she ran out of memory, she took it to the store to get prints made. A week later, she returned for the photos, but the clerk said they weren’t ready yet. She was so disappointed that she started to cry. “Don’t worry, Snow White,” said the clerk, consoling her. “Someday your prints will come!”

Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

An Atheist Fishing

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An atheist was fishing on Loch Ness when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. With an easy flip, the beast tossed his boat high into the air and then opened its huge mouth to catch him. As he sailed into the sky, he cried, “Oh, God! Help me!” At once, the ferocious scene froze! As the atheist hung there in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds: “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!” “Come on, God. Give me a break!” pleaded the man. “A minute ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Little Johnny at the Mall

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Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, “Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!” His mother was so embarrassed. “John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!” For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them. Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard? Yes. This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, “Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses? “

Dirty Jokes, Ethnic Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Scottish Jokes

The old Scotsman

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An old Scotsman was talking to a young man in a pub. “Laddie, look out at that field. Do you see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I worked for months, but do they call me MacGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.??? Then the old man pointed to the bar. “Laddie, look here at this bar. Do you see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor. I worked on it for weeks. But do they call me MacGreggor-the-Woodworker? Nooo.??? Then the old man points out the other window. “Laddie, look out to sea. Do you see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me brow. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo.??? Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is listening. “But, ya screw ONE goat…???

Funny Jokes, In-Law Jokes, Jokes, Sex Jokes

Living at Home

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A mother heard a hum coming from her daughter’s bedroom. She opened the door to find her daughter lying naked on her bed, enjoying a vibrator. “What are you doing???? The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!??? A few days later the father heard a hum coming from the basement. He went downstairs and found his daughter lying naked on the sofa, again enjoying her friend, the vibrator. “What are you doing???? She replied, “Dad, I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!??? A few days later the mother again heard the hum, this time coming from the living room. She found her husband watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. “What are you doing???? He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law!???

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Man Jokes, Sex Jokes

Sperm Count Sample

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The doctor handed his 75-year-old patient a jar and ordered him to bring back a sample so he could do a sperm count. The next day old man returned to the doctor with an empty jar. “What’s this???? the doctor asked. “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand—but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand—still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. First she tried with her right hand—nothing. Then she tried with her left hand—nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out—still nothing. Finally we called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too—and still nothing.??? The doctor was shocked. “Your neighbor???? “Yep. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn’t get that damned jar open!???