Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost???? “Only one kiss per yard, “ replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,??? replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.??? With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and packaged the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill.???
Category Archives: Jokes
You Look Depressed…
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. He’s totally depressed. “Sure I may have led a wild life,??? he thinks, “but I wasn’t this bad. I can’t believe it’s come to this!??? Hell’s admissions counselor notices his heavy heart. “What’s the matter, buddy? You look depressed.??? “Well, what do you think? I’m in Hell, aren’t I???? The counselor replies, “Well, yeah, but it’s not so bad. We have lots of fun here. Do you drink???? “Well, yeah, I drink.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. Nothing but the finest whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, anything you want and as much as you want. And no hangover, either—because you’re dead! You’re gonna love Mondays. Do you smoke???? “Well, yeah. I smoke.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays we smoke up a storm. Nothing but the finest cigars, the best cigarettes. And no worries about cancer either—because you’re already dead! Yeah, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs???? “Well, maybe a little, back in college.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Wednesdays. On Wednesdays we do drugs all day. You can have all you want of anything you want. And you don’t have to worry about ODing or becoming addicted—because you’re dead, remember? Yeah, you’re gonna love Wednesdays. Do you gamble???? “Well, sure. I like to gamble.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Thursdays. On Thursdays we gamble up a storm. All day, all night, blackjack, craps, poker, slots, horse racing, everything! And you never have to pay a bookie—because you’re already dead! Yeah, you’re gonna love Thursdays. Are you gay???? “What? Hell, no!??? “Oh. Well then, you’re gonna hate Fridays….???
Financial Troubles
Brandi the blonde is in such serious financial trouble that she decides to ask God for help. She prays, “God, I lost my business and if I don’t get some money soon, I’m going to lose my car. Please, God: let me win the Lotto.??? But Lotto night comes and goes and Brandi’s numbers don’t come up. Again she prays, “God, I’ve lost my business and now my car and if I don’t get some money soon, I’m going to lose my home. Please, God: let me win the Lotto.??? But again, Lotto night comes and goes and Brandi’s numbers don’t come up. In desperation she prays, “God, I’ve lost my business, my car, and my home and if I don’t get some money soon, my children will starve. Please, God: just this once, help me get my life back in order. Let me win the Lotto!??? Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, a roar of thunder, the heavens open and Brandi hears the voice of God Himself! “Brandi, my child! Meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!???
One Beautiful Sunday Morning
One beautiful Sunday morning, when the church was full of faithful parishioners, Satan appeared in a burst of flame! Everyone screamed and ran for the exit, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew. Satan bellowed, “Don’t you know who I am???? The man replied, “Yep, sure do.??? Satan roared, “Aren’t you afraid of Satan???? “Nope, sure ain’t.??? Satan was perturbed. “And why do you not fear me???? The old gentleman replied calmly, “Been married to your sister for over 40 years.???
The mightiest sword joke
Once upon a time, a king decided to hold a contest to see who at his court had the mightiest… “weapon.” One knight proclaimed, ” ‘Tis I!” dropped his pants, tied a 5-pound weight to it. His weapon doth rose. The crowd cheered, the women swooned, the children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played appropriate music. A second knight stood, cried out, “No, ’tis I!,” dropped his pants, and tied on a 10-pound weight. His weapon doth rose. Crowds cheered, women swooned, children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played appropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove the superiority of their weapons, the king spoke. “Mine is truly the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 5-, nor a 10-, but a 20-pound weight to his member. His weapon doth rose. Crowds cheered, women swooned, children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played “God Save the Queen!”
Time for Your Temperature
A big-shot businessman with an extremely high opinion of himself had to spend a few days in the hospital. The nurses despised him because he bossed them as if they were one of his employees. Finally the head nurse came into his room and announced, “Time for your temperature. Roll over!??? “What? No way!??? “I’m sorry, sir,??? she said, “but this time, we can’t use an oral thermometer.??? This started another round of complaints as he rolled over and bared his butt. After inserting the thermometer, she announced, “I have to go get something. Just stay like that until I return!??? and left his room, leaving his door wide open. Time passes. He curses every time he hears people laughing outside his door. After nearly an hour, a doctor enters his room. “What are you doing???? asked the doctor rudely. Angrily, the businessman answers, “What do you mean, ‘what am I doing?’ You’re the doctor. Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken???? The doctor chuckles. “Not with a carnation!???
Buying furniture (joke)
A young furniture salesman approached the elderly lady. “Is there anything particular I may show you?” he asked. “Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.” “Do you mean a sectional sofa?” he asked. “Sectional, schmectional, ” she retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”
How Little Suzie Sees It
Little Suzie was walking with her grandmother when they saw two dogs having sex. “What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl. Grandmother was embarrassed, so she answered, “The dog on top has hurt his paw and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.” Suzie considered this a moment and then asked, “Dogs are just like people, aren’t they, Grandma?” “How do you mean, Suzie?” “Offer someone a helping hand and they’ll screw you every time!”
Two Little Old Ladies
Two sweet little old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One lady pulled out a condom with the end cut off, pulled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, “What’s that???? “A condom.??? “Condom? I never heard of it. Where’d you get it???? “Oh, you can get them at any drugstore.??? The next day the second lady walked into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, “Give me a pack of condoms.??? He looked a little shocked, but politely asked, “What brand? Oh, it doesn’t matter,??? she replied, “just as long as it fits a Camel!??? … The pharmacist fainted.
Getting sick in church (joke)
A little boy, sitting in church with his mother, started to feel queasy. “Mom,” he whispered, “I think I’m gonna be sick!” “Quick, go out the front door of the church, go around back, and throw up behind a bush.” A minute later, the little fella returned to his seat. Mom whispered, “So, you didn’t have to throw up at all, did you?” “Yes, I did. And now I feel better.” “You did? How did you get back here so quickly?” “Oh, I didn’t have to go outside, Mom. There’s a little box by the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’!”