A girl tells her boyfriend that if he’ll have dinner with her parents on Friday night, afterwards she’ll give him her virginity. The boy is ecstatic. Friday after school he heads for the pharmacy to stock up on condoms. Confused by the wide variety, he asks the pharmacist for help. The older man tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and their proper usage. The boy decides to buy a 10-pack, since it is first time and all. That night, his girlfriend leads him to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy quickly volunteers to say the blessing. He bows his head and prays and prays. One minute, five minutes, ten minutes pass, and still the prayer goes on. Finally, after fifteen minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, “I had no idea you were so religious!??? The boy turns and whispers back, “And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!???
Category Archives: Jokes
Foul Mouth
Two Italian men get on the bus and sit in front of an well-dressed woman. At first she is able to ignore their conversation, but she is offended when she overhears one man say, “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two more asses, they come together again. Then I come again and pee twice. Then I come-a once-a-more.??? “You foul-mouthed swine,??? huffs the woman indignantly, “In this country we don’t describe our sex lives in public!??? “Hey, coola down, lady,??? said the man. “I’m-a just tellin’ ma friend how ta spell Mississippi!???
Military Draft Joke
Back in the days of the military draft, a young man vowed to fail his induction physical. When the doctor ordered him to read the eye chart, he answered, “What eye chart?” “The one on the wall!” said the doctor. “What wall?” Sensing a deadbeat when he saw one, the doctor ordered his beautiful young nurse to strip and walk into the room naked. “Now what do you see, son?” “I can’t see a thing, Doc. I must be as blind as a bat.” “Well, you may not see anything, but your d¡ck is pointing you straight to Fort Benning! Welcome to the Army, soldier!”
Polish Sausage
A guy goes into a store and asks the clerk, “I want some Polish sausage. The clerk takes a long look at him. “Are you Polish???? The guy says, “Well, yes, I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? If I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German???? The clerk says, “No.??? “Well, then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage???? The clerk says, “Because this is a hardware store!???
Terrible Accident
A man was in a terrible auto accident that chopped off his penis. He went to the penis transplant hospital where a doctor examined him, pronounced him a perfect candidate for transplant surgery, and asked him what sort of replacement he desired. “We have your former size for $3,000, a medium size for $6,000, or the extra-large size for $10,000. Talk it over with your wife and let me know.??? When the doctor returned, he found the man staring at the floor. “My wife says she’d prefer a new kitchen.???
They Grow Them Big Down in Texas
A sweet young clerk at a big city store approached a rather large man in the men’s department. “May I help you???? she purred. “Why, yes, ma’am. I wanna buy a complete outfit of them city clothes.??? Her eyes lit up. “Excellent. Shall we begin with a new suit???? “Why, shore ma’am. 53 tall.??? “Wow, that’s big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? “And a shirt and tie to go with it???? “Why, shore ma’am. 19½ 38.??? “Wow, that’s big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? “How about some shoes and socks???? “Why, shore ma’am. 15 double D.??? “Wow, that’s big too.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big in Texas.??? “And a new hat???? “Why, shore ma’am. 9-5/8.??? “Wow, that’s really big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? She got him all decked out, rang up the sale and, as the Texan was counting out his money, couldn’t help but ask, “Sir, I don’t mean to be forward, but I wonder if I could I ask you a question???? “Why, shore ma’am. I already know what it is. And the answer is: 4 inches.??? She blushed slight, but blurted out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!??? Without a blink, the Texan replied, “Really, ma’am? Thick????
The Funeral Procession
A woman walked out of Starbucks with her morning coffee and was taken aback by an unusual funeral procession. One long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse, which was followed by a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash, who was followed by at least 200 more women in a long single file. Her curiosity got the better of her, so she respectfully approached the woman with the dog. “I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sure this is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it???? “Well, that first hearse contains my husband.??? “Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened to him???? “My dog here attacked and killed him.??? “That’s terrible. But, who is in the second hearse???? “My mother-in-law. She tried to help my husband, but my dog turned on her, too.??? A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Could I borrow your dog???? “Sure. Get in line!???
The Little Fireman
A little boy in a big fireman’s hat was riding down the sidewalk on his toy fire truck, being pulled by a big old ugly dog. Unfortunately, since the boy had tied the rope around the dog’s privates, the truck was going rather slowly. A man noticed this and gently said, “You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if you tied the rope to your dog’s collar.??? The boy nodded in agreement. “Maybe so, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!???
Teetering on the Edge
A young Seattle woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Elliott Bay. Standing on the docks, staring at the frigid water, crying, she was teetering on the edge when a handsome young sailor passing by saw her, realized her plight and grabbed her arm just in the nick of time. “Miss, don’t do it. You’ve got so much to live for. Look, I’m off to Japan in the morning, and if you like, you can stow away on my ship. I promise to take good care of you and bring you food every day.??? He slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy…and you can keep me happy. Okay???? She considered this a moment, then nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor sneaked her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he faithfully brought her food and drink. She repaid his kindness the only way she knew how: they made passionate love all night. Two wonderful weeks passed until the Captain discovered her during a routine inspection. “What are you doing in here???? the Captain demanded. “Uh, I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,??? she explained bashfully. “He’s taking me to Japan and giving me free food and drink…and he’s screwing me.??? “He sure is, miss,??? said the Captain. “This is the ferry to Bremerton!???
Just Slip One In…
A woman complained to her friend that her husband was losing interest in sex. Her friend told her she should get him on Viagra. “Oh, Henry would never take anything like that! He’s too proud.??? “Here, just take some of mine. Slip one into his mashed potatoes at dinner tonight and he’ll never know what hit him!??? At dinner, she thinks, “Maybe one won’t be enough???? and slips in a handful. The next day, she called her friend. “You were right. It worked great! I slipped a bunch of them in his potatoes just like you said, and, not five minutes later, he jumped up, raked the dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped off my clothes, and made wild, passionate love right there on the table!??? Her friend was worried. “Oh, dear. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you so many.??? “Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway!???