A man visited his 85-year-old grandfather in the nursing home. “How’ve you been, grandpa???? he asked. “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses take such good care of me. Why, every night they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill and I sleep like a log.??? The man went to see the head nurse. “What’s going on here???? he asked. “Grandpa says you’re giving him Viagra on a daily basis now. Surely that’s not true!??? “Oh, yes,??? replied the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock he gets a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill.??? “But why? A man of his age???? “Well, the hot chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed!???
Category Archives: Jokes
No Sex Since 1959
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1959, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking Everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1959!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1959!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, “I Hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
(Don’t ya love military time?!)
The Irishman’s Three Wishes
An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”
A Jew, A Catholic, and a Mormon
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the hotel bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons; one more and I’ll have a basketball team.??? The Catholic pooh-poohed his accomplishment, “That’s nothing. I have ten sons; one more and I’ll have a football team.??? To which the Mormon replied, “That’s nothing. I have seventeen wives; one more and I’ll have a golf course!???
Somebody Get Me A Priest
A bus strikes a man crossing a busy street. As he lies dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathers. The man gasps, “Somebody get me a priest!??? A policeman searches, but there’s none to be found anywhere nearby. Finally, a old Jewish man volunteers. “Look, Mr. Policeman, I’m not a priest, I’m not even Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind the Catholic church over on First Avenue and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany so maybe I can comfort this poor dying man???? The policeman agreed and the old man kneels beside the injured man and says in his most solemn voice, “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…???
Exact Change
An Australian bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The barman regards the newcomers with skepticism, but asks, “What’ll it be???? The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? The man reaches into his pocket, wriggles his hand around, and, to the barman’s great surprise, pulls out exactly three-forty. The next night the man, the ostrich, and the cat enter the same bar. The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? Again, the bloke pulls the exact amount out of his pocket. On the third night, the trio comes in near closing. “The same???? asks the barman. “Nah, it’s getting’ late,??? says the bloke. “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a double scotch too… but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves the drinks and says, “That’ll be seven pounds twenty, please.??? And once again, the man pulls out the exact change from his pocket. As the barman is closing up, he can contain his curiosity no longer and asks, “Hey, Mack, there’s something I’ve got to know: how in the hell do you always pull the exact change out of your pocket???? “Well,??? says the man, “A few years ago when I was cleaning my attic, I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and offered me three wishes.??? “Oh, yeah???? asks the now-skeptical barkeep. “What did you wish for???? “My first wish was ‘If I ever need to pay for anything, I want to just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.’??? “That’s brilliant,??? says the barman. “Most people’d ask for a pile of money, but your way means you’ll ‘ave all you need for as long as you live!??? “Right. So whether it’s a pint or a Rolls Royce, I’ve always got exact change.??? The barman pauses and then says softly, “One more thing, mate. What’s the deal with your friends there? We don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in ‘ere…??? The man looks glum. “Yeah, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I did, getting stuck with them forever! You see, my other two wishes were for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.???
How Dumb Is She?
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing their wives. The Canadian says, “My wife must be the dumbest woman in the world. She bought $900 worth of meat at a supermarket sale, and we don’t even have a freezer!??? The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing! My wife bought a new car, and she can’t even drive!??? Not to be out-done, the Aussie says, “My wife is even dumber. Last week she left on her two-week holiday and she packed 20 condoms! And she don’t even have a penis!???
The Tenth Husband
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.??? “What???? said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times???? “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God I miss him! …But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!??? “Good,??? said the lawyer, “but, why???? “Duh; you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!???
The Geography of a Woman
The Geography of a Woman
From age 13-18, a woman is like Africa: virgin and unexplored.
From age 18-30, she is like Asia: wild and exotic.
From age 30-45, she is like North America: fully developed and free with her resources.
From age 45-60, she is like Europe: well-explored, nearly worn out, but still has points of interest.
From age 60 on, she is like Australia: everybody knows it’s down there, but, nobody really cares.
At the Auction
A farmer and his wife were at livestock auction. The auctioneer announced the first bull had reproduced 60 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 5 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the second bull had reproduced 120 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 10 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the third bull had reproduced 365 times last year!??? The wife again leans over to her husband and gloats, “Wow. That’s once a day, every single day of the year! What’s wrong with you, honey???? Finally the irritated husband had had enough. “Nothin’. Once a day is fine! But why don’t you go ask that auctioneer if every day that bull had to do it with the same old cow!???