A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow, with a wonderful disposition, and it gave lots of milk and cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, so they would never have to worry about milk again. They brought a bull to the cow’s pasture. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on and on. Finally, in desperation, the people asked the Rabbi what to do. “Rabbi, all day we’ve tried to mate our cow. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. What do we do???? The Rabbi asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk???? “Rabbi! You are so wise! How did you know we got the cow from Minsk???? Sadly, the Rabbi said, “My wife is from Minsk….???
Category Archives: Jokes
An American Tourist in Spain
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant for dinner. While sipping a glass of wine, he noticed a sizzling platter being delivered to the next table. It not only looked good, it smelled wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that dish???? The waiter smiled. “Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are from the morning bullfight. After the matador kills the bull, his testicles are removed and brought to our restaurant. Ah, such a delicacy!??? The American was momentarily daunted by the origin of the dish, but decided, what the hell? I’m on vacation! “Bring me an order!??? The waiter frowned. “I am so sorry, señor. But since there is but one bullfight each day, there is but one serving each day. But you could place your order now for tomorrow and I would be pleased to serve you this specialty!??? He placed his order and impatiently waited 24 hours. The next evening he returned to the same restaurant and the same waiter proudly served him the one and only order of the delicacy of the day. After a few delicious bites, he called the waiter over to his table. “These are surely delicious, but they seem so much smaller than yesterday’s serving???? The waiter replied, “Si, señor! Not everyday does the bull lose!???’
Sexual Morality Lecture
The Dean of Women at the exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people,??? she droned. “In moments of temptation, you must ask yourself one question: Is a lifetime of shame worth an hour of pleasure???? From the back of the room came a quiet voice. “How do you make it last an hour????
Drinking in a Hurry
A man rushes into a bar, orders six shots of whiskey and downs them just as fast as the bartender can pour them. “Drinking kinda fast, ain’tcha, buddy???? the bartender asks as he pours number seven. “Humph,??? snorts the man. “You’d drink fast, too, if you had what I have!??? “Oh? What do you have???? asks the bartender. The man stands up before replying, “About twenty-eight cents!???
Confession
A man was in confession. He told the priest, “I almost had an affair with a woman.??? “What do you mean, ‘almost?’??? “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together a little, but then I stopped.??? The priest replied, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Don’t go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.??? The man left the confessional, went over, said his prayers, then stopped near the poor box for a moment before leaving. The priest just happened to notice his actions. “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!??? The man replied, “Well, that’s true, Father, I didn’t. But I rubbed the money against it and you said that was the same as putting it in!???
I Want My Money Back
Sidney, suffering from premature ejaculation, visited a sex shop for help. The clerk showed him an aerosol can. “Sir, this is Stay-Hard. Just spray it on and you’ll go all night!” Excited, Sidney took it home and stashed it in the basement until late that night when he sprayed it on and then hurried upstairs. Unfortunately, he peaked sooner than ever. The next day, Sidney returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, “I want my money back. This stuff doesn’t work at all. If anything, I came faster!” The clerk read the label and laughed. “What’s so funny?” asked Sidney. “Sir, you must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off!”
Auto Mechanics
After nearly forty years in practice, a gynecologist decided to retire to pursue his first love, auto mechanics. He enrolled at the local community college and worked very hard, but worried that he was too old to compete with his younger classmates. Sure enough, on the final exam the other students finished in about two hours, while it took him the full four hours allocated. Afterwards, as he washed up, he asked his teacher about his grade. “I gave you a score of 150 points out of 100 possible,??? said the teacher. “What? How can that be???? “Well, I gave you 50 points for disassembling the engine perfectly, another 50 points for reassembling the engine perfectly, and an additional 50 points for doing the whole damn job through the muffler!???
Beginning Golf Lessons
A man decided to take up golf, so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, “Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.??? The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. “Now what???? the man asked the shocked pro. “Uh, you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.??? “Oh, great!??? said the beginner in a disgusted tone. “Now you tell me!???
Who Said You Could Start Slacking Off?
After the executive hired a hot new secretary, it was only a few days before he put the moves on her. She readily agreed and they had a great time. But after a week or so, she started taking advantage of their relationship, showing up late for work, being surly to clients, losing messages, turning out sloppy work. Finally, he pulled her aside for a little talk. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start slacking off on the job???? She gave him a sly smile and purred, “My lawyer!???
Question for the Doctor
A woman, pregnant with her first child, was being examined in her obstetrician’s office. “Doctor, my husband wants me to ask you…??? “I know, I know,??? said the doctor, “I get asked this all the time. It’s okay to have sex until late in your pregnancy.??? “No, that’s not it,??? she said. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.???