A woman was concerned about her husband’s smoking, but finally got him to agree to only smoke at home when they had finished making love. After about a week, her friend asked her how it was going. “Well, not too bad,” she said with a big smile. “He’s down to about a pack a night!”
Category Archives: Jokes
Don’t Mess With Old Farts
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle
thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle
exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.? The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and
just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.? “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story….
Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh#$ and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Tiger in “Ireland”
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes
into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
is…”Top o’the mornin to ya”.
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
“So what are those things, laddie?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.
“And what would ya be usin’ ’em for, now?” Inquires the Irishman.
“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive.” replies Tiger.
“Aw, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas
at Mercedes think of everything.”
The Frustration of Golf
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior.
“I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer and was a full scholarship student at the university before I dedicated my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed.
“So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister.
“In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
“You must t ell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother;? 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother.
“How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.
“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the f*#$ing putt, didn’t you?”
Golf Balls (joke)
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a fine looking blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at
him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many curious glances from her, he said, ‘It’s golf balls.’
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she inquired, ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’
Do it My Way
A man entered a Nevada house of ill repute and announced, “I’m offering $20,000 to any woman here who will come into the desert with me and do it my way!” One lady agreed and off they went, into the desert. After about an hour of fairly standard lovemaking, she got curious. “Now, exactly what is ‘your way’?” He replied, “On credit!”
A Wonderful Family
The Rabbi in a small town in the old country died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was disconsolate for months until the people of the village decided she should remarry. The town was so small that it only had one eligible bachelor, the butcher. The Rebbetzin was concerned because she had been wed to a scholar, but this butcher had little education. But, as she was lonely, she agreed, and soon they were married. After the marriage, on the next Friday she went to the mikvah and then home to light the candles. Her new husband leaned over and said, “My mother taught me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. She then lit the candles and he again leaned over to her and whispered, “My father taught me that after lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After saying their prayers, they went to bed, but when they awoke the next morning, he said, “My grandmother taught me that before going to synagogue, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered, “My grandfather taught me that after praying, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. On Sunday she went shopping and ran into an old friend who asked, “So? How is the new husband?” She replied, “Well, he’s no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!”
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex
Shopping for a Gift
Shopping for a gift for his wife, a man asked the perfume clerk to show him some “really nice perfume.” She brought out a bottle costing $150. “Whoa! That’s a lot of money,” he moaned. “Maybe something that’s just a little less nice?” So she showed him a bottle that cost $100. “That’s still too much,” he complained. “Can you show me something really cheap?” So the clerk brought out a mirror!
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New Plastic Surgery
Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover. She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen …the works. Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman — literally. Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new “body work.” When the exam was finished, he called her in. “Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis.” Bambi looked puzzled. “Osteo–what?” “Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s.” Bambi giggled, blushed and said, “Oh, really, Doc. You’ve seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!”
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I had a Rider…
Four old geezers came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes and were exhausted. The pro asked if they had a good game and the first old guy said, “Pretty good. I had three riders today.” The second old guy said, “I had five riders.” The third old man said, “I had seven riders, same as last time.” The fourth said, “I beat my old record. I had twelve riders. I’ll buy!” After they shuffled into the bar, another member said to the pro, “I’ve played golf for years and thought I knew all the lingo, but what in the heck is a ‘rider’?” The pro replied, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get back in the golf cart and ride to it!”
