One hot, dry, dusty day, the sheriff sat outside the jail with his chair tilted back, his feet up on a barrel, and his hat pulled nearly down over his eyes. He watched as an old cowhand rode into town and stopped at the saloon, directly across from him. The cowboy wearily dismounted, tied his horse to the rail, moved to the rear of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss right below it. He then dropped the horse’s tail and headed into the saloon. “Hold it right there, mister!” said the sheriff, climbing out of his chair. “Did I just see what I think I saw?” The cowpoke turned to the sheriff and explained, “Yup, I reckon ya did, Sheriff. But I kin explain. Ya see, I got me some powerful chapped lips.” “And horse manure cures ’em?” asked the sheriff incredulously. “Nope,” drawled the cowboy, “but it shore will keep ya from lickin’ em!”
God saw the rascally behavior on Earth so He told an angel to go down and check things out. When the angel returned, he said, “You’re right. It is bad down there. 95% of the people misbehave and only 5% are good.” God considered this but wanted a second opinion. So He sent down a second angel. When he returned, he said, “You were right, that other angel was wrong. It’s 99% bad and only 1% good down there.” God was so displeased that He emailed the 1% to encourage them to keep them being good. Do you know what that email said? No? Yeah, I didn’t get one either!
A guy sitting in the Atlanta airport bar couldn’t ignore the beautiful woman sitting nearby. “She must be a flight attendant,” he thought, “so gorgeous. But which airline?” He leaned over and uttered the Delta slogan, “Love to fly and it shows?” She gave him a blank, confused stare. Hmm, not Delta. Maybe American? “Something special in the air?” She gave the same confused look. Not American. United? “I’d love to fly your friendly skies.” The woman had had enough. “What the f*?k do you want?” The man smiled. “Ah. Air France!”
A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, “You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now you take the larger one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more.” “Nonsense,” replied Fred. “You cook better now!”
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss Asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” The blonde replies, “Early This morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.” The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, “Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.”
“Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, And I have the best chance of doing that here..”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
“What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” he asks. “No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!”
The newlyweds were ready for bed when the new husband said, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?” She opened her robe and revealed her naked body. He said, “You are so beautiful. May I take a picture?” “Why?” she asked. “Because I love you so much I want to keep your picture next to my heart!” She allowed him to take a picture but then said, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body, too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?” He agreed and showed her his naked body. She asked, “May I take a picture too?” “Why?” “Because I want to get it enlarged!”
Two blondes were walking along the beach with their friend, a brunette, when a seagull pooped on one blonde. “I’ll go get some toilet paper” said the brunette, scurrying off. One blonde said to the other, “Dummy brunette! By the time she gets back, that seagull will be long gone!”
There were these 2 girls walking down the street – one brunette, one blonde Anyway, they come upon a young man also walking their direction and notice that he has a bad case of dandruff although he is quite nice looking. So, the brunette says to the blonde, “Maybe we should give him some Head and Shoulders.” The blonde looks at her and says, “How do you give shoulders?”
Tom’s dream to marry a sweet, innocent virgin came true when he met Jane. Even after they had gone together for months, he decided to test her. One night in the car, he unzipped his fly, and said to her, “Want to see my wee wee?” She yelled, “No. No! Zip your fly!” Tom was overjoyed. The night they got engaged, he tried the same thing and got the same result. Then, on their wedding night, when they were finally alone in the hotel room, he unzipped his fly again and said, “Honey, now that we’re married, you can see it,” and pulled it out. She just stared at it. “Oh, what a sweet wee wee!” Tom said, “Darling, we’re married now. You don’t have to call it a wee wee anymore. You can call it a cock.” She looked at it again and then back up at him. “No, Tom, that’s a wee wee. A co¢k is long and thick!”
Four men applied for the same job and were equally qualified so the interviewer decided to ask them one extra question to display their creativity: “What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?” The first man answered, “A thought, because it just pops into your head without warning.” “Good,” replied the interviewer and turned to the second man, “And you?” The second man said, “A blink, because it comes and goes and you don’t know it happened.” “Good,” said the interviewer and looked at the third man. “Light, because when you flip a switch, the light comes on instantaneously.” “Science says nothing is faster than light,” said the interviewer. Then it was Bubba’s turn. Bubba proclaimed, “The fastest thing is diarrhea.” “What?!” spurted the stunned interviewer. “Why? How?” Bubba finished, “Well, the other day, when I weren’t feeling so good, I ran for the bathroom but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants!”
Jokes, Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Blonde Jokes, Adult Jokes, and Funny Stuff to Keep you Laughing!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? Blazing Saddles (30th Anniversary Special Edition)
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