Two guys were driving along when the driver ran a stoplight. His buddy said, “What are you doing? You ran a stoplight!” The driver said, “Oh, it’s okay. My brother does it all the time.” Pretty soon they came to another stoplight and went right through that one, too. “Are you out of your mind? You ran another one!” The driver said, “It’s okay. My brother does it all the time.” Then they came to a green light and the driver slammed on the brakes. His friend said, “Now what? It’s green. Go!” The driver replied, “No way! My brother might be coming!”
Category Archives: Jokes
Walking the Dog (joke)
A little girl asked her Mom, ‘Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mom replies , ‘No, because she is in heat.’
‘What’s that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’
The little girl goes to the garage and says, ‘Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.’
Dad said, ‘Bring Belle over here.’ He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.’
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Belle?’
The little girl said, ‘She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’
Change to Tax Code – New Tax
2007 Tax Code
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!? HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size. (Thanks to our new speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi) The brackets are as? follows:
10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $300.00…
8 – 10″ Pole Tax $250.00…
5 – 8″ Privilege Tax $150.00…
3 – 5″ Nuisance Tax $30.00…
Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
Anyone fewer than 3 inches is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
The Original Computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
if you had a 3 inch floppy…
…you just hoped nobody ever found out!
The Spouse Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened i n New York City , where a woman can go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the husband store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – these men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.
“Oh mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” She goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the husband store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Blonde Flight
A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.? she then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “i’m blond, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “i’m blonde, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “you say she is a blonde? i’ll handle this. i’m married to a blonde. i speak blonde.”
The goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, i’m sorry.” and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “first class isn’t going to houston.”
Italian Boys Confession
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Volpe?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone.? You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be? in good health, they were concerned about his rather small privates.? After? examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.? That should solve the problem.”? The next? morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm? pancakes in the middle of the table.? “Gee,? Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”? “Just take? two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
Church
A? man went to a Catholic church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the? priest’s hand. He said “Father, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.? Damned good!”? The priest? said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”? The man? said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five? thousand? dollars in the offering plate!”? The priest? said, “No shit?”
Teenage Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was? concerned that her daughter was having? sex. Worried the girl? might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted? the family doctor.? The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to? stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange? for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give? her a box of condoms.? Later that? evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the? situation and handed her a box of condoms.? The girl? burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: “Oh Mom! You don’t? have to worry about that! I’m dating? Susan!”