What did the frog say to the mushroom?
You’re a really fun-gi!
Category Archives: Jokes
Amish Boy and His Dad
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘What is this, Father?’ The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..
‘Go get your Mother.’
Who shot the beaver?
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better… I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?”
The doctor replied, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.? He raised his umbrella and went “bang, bang, bang”, and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?
The 90-year old said, “I’d say somebody else shot the beaver.”
The doctor said, “My point exactly.”
WTF Pic: Shave a Baby?
This is definitely the WTF Pic of the day – “Shave a Baby?” Why are the Japanese and Chinese so warped, and where in the heck did they get an idea like this? Who in their right mind would develop a toy where you could shave a baby? How many of these do you think they sold? WTF?
May December Marriage (joke)
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected ‘knock’ on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally.
Again he is ready for more ‘action.’
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it….. Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action.’
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.’
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: …….’You mean I was here already?’
When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘ Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
Smartass Answers (joke)
SMARTASS ANSWER #7
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?” The clerk says, ‘What denomination?’ The blonde says, ‘God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
SMARTASS ANSWER #6
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a Compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.
SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’
SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’
SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said. The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMARTASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ‘Low Bridge overhead.’ Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’
SMARTASS ANSWER #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand .’
Raffle At Work (joke)
A woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond necklace. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the necklace?” She replies, “Oh, I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The next day, she arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. “Where did you get the bracelet?” asks her husband, and again she replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The third day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.” Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”
Racetrack Fieldtrip (joke)
Two female teachers took their third, fourth and fifth graders on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about horses and the supporting industry. During the tour, when some children needed to use the toilet, they decided that one teacher would take the girls and the other teacher would take the boys. Waiting outside the men’s room, one little boy came out to tell her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the line of little boys up by their armpits, one by one. Holding up one, she couldn’t help but notice that, for an elementary school child he was unusually well-endowed. “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said. “No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh, but thanks for the lift!”
The Pastor’s Visit (joke)
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. Obviously someone was home, but even after he knocked several times, no one came to the door. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message, was the notation, “Genesis 3:10.” Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”