A man came into a bar, ordered a shot and a beer, chugged the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked in his shirt pocket. Then he ordered another beer and repeated the exercise all over again. This continued several times. Finally curiosity got the better of the bartender. “Excuse me, buddy; I couldn’t help but notice. Why do you look in your shirt pocket after every round?” The man replied, “That’s how I tell if I’m drunk or not.” “What? How’s that?” “Oh, see: I keep a photo of my wife in there. When she starts looking good, I know it’s time to head home!”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Courtship joke
Josh lusted after Linda. When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, “I want you right here, right now. Do it… or you can walk home!” Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home. A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, “Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it… or walk home!” Again, Linda walked home. Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jewelry, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, “Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?” Linda answered, “Well, it’s like this: I’ll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from gonorrhea, but fifty…”
Lil’ Johnny’s Homework
Lil’ Johnny asked his father for help with a homework assignment, “Dad, what’s the difference between potential and reality?” His father thought a moment, then said, “How about a demonstration? Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.” Lil’ Johnny was puzzled, but did as he was told. “Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” She looked around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face said, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.” Johnny then went to his sister’s room. “Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” His sister did not hesitate. “Omigod! Definitely!” Lil’ Johnny returned to his father. “Okay, Dad, I’ve got it. Potentially, we are sitting on two million dollars. But in reality, we are living with a couple of sluts.”
Funny Cell Phone “fight” Video
Here’s a really funny video where the dude is pretending to talk on his cell phone and wants to “fight” everyone he talks to. Try doing this in a public place some time – it’s hilarious!
Halloween Headache (joke)
A young married couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party, but the wife came down with a terrible headache. “Go ahead and go,” she told her spouse. “Have a good time.” He protested, but she insisted, so he took his costume and left while she took some aspirin and a nap. After an hour or so, she awakened without pain, and since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because her husband had never seen her costume, she thought she might have some fun watching him when he thought she wasn’t around. At the party, she soon spotted her husband on the dance floor, cavorting with every woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. So she sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive woman herself, came on to him, although without ever saying a word. She let him go as far as he wished; after all, he was her husband. And, it was rather fun. Finally, he whispered a proposition in her ear; she agreed and off they went to a car in the parking lot, where they took care of business. Just before the midnight unmasking, she slipped out, went home, put away her costume, and climbed into bed, wondering just exactly what sort of explanation he would come up with for his notorious behavior. When he arrived home, she was sitting up in bed, reading. “How was the party, dear?” she asked with a smile. He replied, “Oh, the same old thing. Rather boring. You know I never have a good time without you!” “Did you get to dance?” “No, not even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and Jim, and they wanted to play some poker, so we went upstairs to the den and played poker all evening. But that guy I loaned my costume to had one helluva good time!”
WTF Pic – Tattooed Skeleton Face
There are some REALLY stupid people in this world – but WTF do you have to be thinking to get a skeleton tattooed on your ENTIRE FACE! I mean, really dude – WTF?!
No Casinos in Africa
Why are there too many casinos in Africa?
Too many cheetahs!
The Origin of Miltary Insignias
The young ensign asked the crusty old chief about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias. “Well, ensign, it’s history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you’re valuable but malleable. A Lieutenant Junior Grade silver bar represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you’re twice as valuable, so you get two silver bars. Captains soar over military masses, hence an eagle. And all Admirals are stars.” “Yes, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?” “Well, that goes way back, back to the Garden of Eden. You see, we’ve always covered our pr¡cks with leaves!”
Show Me The Money
When Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, Diane quickly agreed to marry him. But after a few months of married life, Jack’s beautiful new wife ignored him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him, she’d be indifferent, or worse, murmured other men’s names! When they went out, she ignored him, flirting with other men. Finally, he confronted her. “Diane, did you marry me because my grandfather left me ten million dollars?” “Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “it doesn’t matter who left you the money!”
Kindergarten Sports Lesson (joke)
The kindergarten teacher said, “Good morning, class.” Her students chimed back, “Good morning, teacher.” “Class, you may not know it, but I’m a big Yankee fan. How many of you are Yankee fans, too?” Everyone in the class raised their hand except little Sally. The teacher asked, “Well, Sally. What are you?” Sally replied, “A Mets fan, teacher.” The teacher asked, “Why?” Sally said, “Well, my daddy is a Mets fan, and my mommy is a Mets fan, so that makes me a Mets fan!” “Now, Sally. You don’t always have to be what your parents are. What if your father was a moron and your mother was a moron. What would that make you?” Sally didn’t hesitate. “A Yankees fan?!”