A young blonde in a black business vest, white blouse, high heels and a skimpy miniskirt tried to board a bus, but her skirt was so tight her legs couldn’t move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper just a little. She tried to climb the steps again, and still couldn’t, so she reached behind again and lowered the zipper some more. Again, she tried to climb the steps, but still no luck. As she reached back a third time, a long tall Texan standing behind her grabbed her buttocks, lifted her up, and gently deposited her on the top step. “Who in the hell do you think you are to touch my body like that?” she steamed. “I don’t even know you!” The Texan just smiled at her and replied, “Well, ma’am, once you’d unzipped my fly, I figured we was pretty good friends!”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Bullfight (joke)
A man in a Tijuana restaurant notices a fellow next to him being served two huge round pieces of meat. He asks the waiter about the dish. “Every week there is a bullfight in the arena. When the bull dies, he is castrated. But, you must order it a week in advance.” The man does order it for the following Saturday night and, a week later, returns to the restaurant. But when his dish arrives, he’s disappointed. On his plate are two small discs of meat. “Waiter! The gentleman last week had such a beautiful meal, yet these are nothing!” The waiter replies, “Sir, sometimes the Bull, he wins!”
Exact Change (joke)
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to
pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’
A Man’s One Wish (joke)
A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.” The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii.” The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.” The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?” The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, would two lanes be okay?”
That’s Not How You Spell Country…Is It?
So we saw this on the web today, apparently somebody was driving around, and then they saw this on the back windshield of the car in front of them. And then it dawned on them – “that’s not how you spell country – is it? doh!”. Now that’s a TRUE ‘Cuntry Slut’ for sure!
Blonde TGIF (joke)
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T, G, I, F.” He smiled at her and replied, “S, H, I, T.” She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T, G, I, F?” again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S, H, I, T.” The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said for the third time, as sweetly as possibly, “T, G, I, F!” The man smiled back to her and once again replied quizzically, “S, H, I, T.” The blond finally gave up and explained, “T, G, I, F–Thank Goodness It’s Friday. Get it?” The man answered, “S, H, I, T–Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday!”
Blonde Guy Comes Home From Work
Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
“Honey! Help! I’m having a heart attack!”
He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:
“Dad! Uncle Terry’s upstairs! And he’s naked!”
He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.
“WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
Road Rage (joke)
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ‘I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.’ I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.’
Little Johnny’s Moral (joke)
The Sunday School classes assignment was to prepare a story with a moral. Little Suzy went first. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market and one Sunday he hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the truck onto the road.” “And the moral of the story is…” Suzy replies, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” “Very good, Suzy. Now how about you, Mary?” Mary says, “My dad also owns a farm and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator and last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.” “And the moral of the story is…” Lucy replies, “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.” “Very good, Mary. Now how about you, Johnny?” And Johnny says, “My dad doesn’t own a farm, but my Uncle Ed fought in Vietnam and his plane was shot down over enemy territory and after the crash all he had to survive on was a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. So he drank the case of beer, but then a platoon of 100 Viet Cong found him. He shot 70 of them before his machine gun ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 when the blade on his machete broke so he had to kill the last ten with his own bare hands.” The Sunday School teacher was in shock. “What possible moral could there be to that story?” And little Johnny replied, “Don’t f*ck with Uncle Eddie when he’s been drinking.”
The Smart Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…
‘Damn!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can Find some of them. Thanks for the warning!’
‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?’
‘Oh, no’, says the little old lady. ‘You see, my yard backs up to the sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!’ So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: ‘$20 or off it comes!”
‘Hey, not a bad idea!’ laughs the cop. ‘Good luck! ‘By the way, what’s In the other bag?’
‘Well’, says the little old lady, ‘Not all of them pay.’