A guy is about three steps inside a bar when he realizes it’s a gay bar. “What the heck? I really want a drink,” he thinks, and sits down. A waiter approaches and says, “what’s the name of your penis?” The guy says, “look, buddy, I’m not into that. All I want is a drink.” The waiter says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t serve you until you give me the name of your penis.” So the customer says, “all right, you go first: what’s the name of your penis?” The waiter says “Nike… as in, ‘Just Do It.'” The guy only thinks a moment, then says, “my penis is called ‘Secret.'” “Secret?” “Yeah… strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!”
Category Archives: Jokes
Straight Guy – Gay Bar (joke)
A guy is about three steps inside a bar when he realizes it’s a gay bar. “What the heck? I really want a drink,” he thinks, and sits down. A waiter approaches and says, “what’s the name of your penis?” The guy says, “look, buddy, I’m not into that. All I want is a drink.” The waiter says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t serve you until you give me the name of your penis.” So the customer says, “all right, you go first: what’s the name of your penis?” The waiter says “Nike… as in, ‘Just Do It.'” The guy only thinks a moment, then says, “my penis is called ‘Secret.'” “Secret?” “Yeah… strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!”
Nuns Final Confession (joke)
Nuns are expected to make one final confession before being admitted to Heaven to become angels. When several nuns died together in a car accident, they formed a line waiting to be absolved of their sins before being made holy. “And so,” asked St. Peter of the first nun, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?” “Well, ” she replied, “Once I did touch just the tip of one with the tip of my finger.” “Okay,” said St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.” The next nun admitted, “Well, once I sort of massaged one a bit.” “Okay,” said St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.” Suddenly there was a jostling in the line. “What’s going on here?” St. Peter asked as two nuns jockeyed for position in line. “Well, your excellency, if I’m gonna have to gargle, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in!”
Little Lucy and the dead Cat (joke)
Little Lucy found her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs stiff in the air. “Daddy! What’s wrong with Tiddles?” Daddy gently said, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.” “But why are his legs sticking up in the air, Daddy?” asked Lucy, as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say, he replied, “Well, ah, Tiddles’ legs are pointing up because that makes it easier for Jesus to pick her up and take her back to heaven.” Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death pretty well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy almost died this morning!” “What? What happened, Lucy? Tell Daddy!” “Well,” mumbled Lucy, “this morning I found Mommy lying on the kitchen floor with her legs straight up in the air, shouting, ‘Oh, Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!’ It’s a good thing the mailman was holding her down or she’d have gone to heaven!”
Old School Date (joke)
In the Spring of 1957, Bobby, a real cool cat with his own wheels, went to pick up his date. “Carrie’s not ready yet, Bobby. Why don’t you have a seat?” says her dad. “Okay,” says Bobby. “What are you two kids planning to do tonight?” Bobby replies politely, “Oh, we’ll probably go to the soda shop or maybe take in a movie.” “Why don’t you two go out and screw?” asks Carrie’s dad. “I hear all the kids are doing it.” Bobby is taken aback. “Wha, what did you say?” he stammered. Her dad repeated, “I say, Carrie really likes to screw. Why she’d screw all night if her mother and I would let her!” Bobby’s eyes lit up. The evening was shaping up nicely. Eventually Carrie bopped down the stairs in her cute little poodle skirt and announced she was ready to go. Bobby eagerly escorted her out the front door. Not twenty minutes later, Carrie raced back into the house, slammed the door, and screamed at her father. “Dammit, Daddy! It’s called ‘The TWIST!'”
Religious Leaders as Software Programmers (joke)
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, methods, classes, applets and applications appeared on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and intricate graphics formed on their monitors. Just before the contest was due to end, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment, it came back on…just in time for the announcement that the competition was over. Who won? Easy. Mohammed lost everything in the power outage, but Jesus saves.
One Wish before Punishment
The Joneses were traveling with Mrs. Jones’s mother in a far away country when the mother-in-law made a careless remark, insulting the native royal family. They were arrested, convicted, and sentenced to fifty lashes with a cane. To show their magnanimity, the royal family granted the guests one wish before their beating. “Mrs. Jones, what is your wish?” “Before my beating, bind a pillow to my bottom.” “It is granted.” But the pillow was small, and the executioner missed it a few times, hitting her and causing great pain. Next they asked the mother-in-law for her wish. “Before my beating, bind a pillow to my bottom and a pillow to my back.” “It is granted.” She got her fifty lashes, but barely felt a thing. Finally, they asked, “And Mr. Jones, what is your wish before your beating?” Jones replied, “Before my beating, bind my mother-in-law to my back!”
Sex Addiction (joke)
The stunning blonde went to her faculty advisor for some course problems, but seemed distracted. “Are you okay?” he asked her. “Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet,” she admitted. “Is there a name for my condition?” “Why yes, there is,” he said with a smile as he headed for the couch, “I call it ‘Good News’!”
Superfriends Have Sex
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
‘Hey Batman! Who’s good in the sack?’
‘Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
Why don’t you try her?’ replied Batman
‘I’d love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don’t really want to take advantage of her.’
‘Damn shame.’ said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a City when he saw the Green Lantern. ‘Hey Hal, I’m looking for a little action. You’re a swinging bachelor,
who’s the best babe in Comicland?’
‘Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why don’t you try her?’
‘Well, we’re sort of friends,’ Superman said, ‘but I didn’t realize she had gotten around so much.’ and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her Legs apart.
Superman was tempted. He Thought to himself, ‘I’m faster than a speeding Bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I’m here.’ So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and Gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. ‘What the hell was that??’ she exclaimed.
‘I don’t know,’ said the Invisible Man as he Rolled off, ‘but my ass is killing me.’
Little Johnny’s Savings (joke)
Little Johnny’s mother was shocked to catch her young son masturbating. She sat him down and had a talk with him. “Honey, you want to be a good boy, right? Well, good little boys save that until they’re married.” A few weeks later, she had another talk with Little Johnny. “So, John, how are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear? Are you ‘saving it’ for marriage?” Little Johnnie pulled a jar out from under his bed. “I’m doing great, Mom! So far, I’ve got nearly a quart!”