A man, who spent his life stoking furnaces, died and went to hell. The devil, deciding not to waste a life of such experience, gave him a job stoking the fires of hell. Everyday, when the devil would check up on the workers, he would find this man laughing, joking, and having a good time. One day he asked this guy, “Do you like this job?” The guy replied, “Yes, I like it very HOT!!!” The devil decided to show him, so he shut down the flames of hell just to show him that hell wasn’t about having fun. The next day when the devil checked up on him, he found the man shivering, cold, and turning blue. The devil laughed. “Now, what do you think of Hell?” Shivering, with teeth chattering, the guy replied, “Does this mean that the Broncos finally won the Super Bowl?”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Church Hypocrite (joke)
Leaving church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, “Do you think that Johnson girl tints her hair?” “I didn’t even see her,” admitted Mr. Peterson. “And that dress Margie Hansen was wearing,” continued Mrs. Peterson, “Was that suitable for a mother of two?” “I didn’t notice that, either,” said Mr. Peterson. Mrs. Peterson snapped, “Oh, for heaven’s sake! A lot of good it does you to go to church!”
The Pet Octopus (joke)
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, “I bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can’t play.” The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus picks it up, tunes the strings and starts playing. His owner pockets fifty bucks. Next comes a guy with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, wiggles the valves a few times, licks its lips and plays a fantastic jazz solo. His owner pockets another fifty bucks. The bartender disappears out back, returns a few moments later with a set of bagpipes, and says, “If your octopus can play that, I’ll give you a hundred dollars.” The octopus looks at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, and looks again from another angle. The puzzled octopus’ owner interrupts his pet’s concentration, and says, “Well? Are you going to play it or not?” The octopus says, “Play it? Hell! I’m trying to figure out how to take off its pajamas!”
Two Blondes Hammering
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some
Carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing
Down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail , and
Either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you
Throwing those nails away?”
Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
Them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.”
Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails
Aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
I Wish You Were A Book (joke)
“Jim, for heaven’s sake, why can’t you just talk to me once in a while?” “Huh?” replied Jim. Judy moaned, “Look around you. Your head is always buried in some book. You don’t even know I’m alive!” Jim knew this wasn’t going to end well and said, “I’m sorry.” “You know,” Judy continued, “sometimes I wish that I were a book. Then at least you’d look at me.” Jim responded, “That’s a good idea. Then, every few days, I could take you to the library and exchange you for something more interesting! “
Gamblin’ Granny (joke)
A little old lady carried a big bag of money into the Chase Manhattan Bank and insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” Eventually she argued her way into the president’s office. He asked how much she wanted to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped that much cash onto his desk. “Ma’am, I’m surprised that you carry so much cash. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I like to make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, I’ll give you an example. I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So? Are you going to accept my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that my balls are not square!” She said, “It’s a deal. But since there’s so much money involved, is it okay if I come back tomorrow with my lawyer to serve as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident banker. He had the bet in the bag! The next morning the woman and her lawyer appeared and she repeated the bet: “$25,000 says this man’s balls are square!” The president nodded and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so everyone could witness. He did. She reached over and softly felt his balls. Her lawyer slapped his forehead! “What wrong with your lawyer?” he asked. She replied, “Oh, nothing. It’s just that yesterday afternoon I bet him $100,000 that by noon today, I’d hold the Chase Manhattan Bank president’s balls in my hand. And I win!”
Now Do You Feel Better (joke)?
A small man had the window seat on a plane when a huge, mean-looking hulk plopped down beside him. After they were airborne, the little guy got airsick but was afraid to wake the now-sleeping giant beside him and there was no way he could climb over him to get to the bathroom. When the plane hit an air pocket, the poor little guy erupted, hurling all over the big guy’s chest. The big guy sniffed a few times, woke up, looked down, and saw vomit everywhere. The little guy beside him squeaked, “So? Now do you feel better?”
No Headaches (joke)
As Shelly’s high school reunion drew to a close, the master of ceremonies gave out prizes to the graduates who had traveled the farthest, been married the longest or shortest, were the most successful, etc. Shelly was surprised to hear her own name. “And to Shelly, for the most children: a bottle of champagne and a giant economy-sized bottle of aspirin!” “Don’t bother with the aspirin,” giggled Shelly. “Isn’t it obvious that, with ten kids, I’ve never had a headache!”
Birthday Surprise (joke)
When I awoke this morning, I was aware it wasn’t an ordinary day. I felt an inner sense that made me want to close my eyes and go back to sleep. Then I remembered it was my birthday, and at my age, who needs another one? I arose, showered, dressed and descended the stairs, bracing myself for the usual chorus of “Happy Birthday” from the kids. But there was none. Not even a cheerful “Happy Birthday, Dear” from my wife. Instead of being grateful that so far the world had allowed me to ignore it, I felt even a deeper gloom. As I entered my office, my lovely blonde secretary greeted me with nothing more than “Good Morning, Mr. Smith”. Then at 11:30 it happened. My secretary came in all smiles and said, “It’s such a beautiful day, I’ve decided to take you to a darling little place for lunch to celebrate your birthday”. We arrived, had a few drinks and a wonderful lunch. On the way back to the office, she said “Now we’ll stop by my apartment where it is quiet and we will have more privacy.” When we arrived, she mixed me a drink and then excused herself to “change into something more comfortable.” “Ah,” I thought, “this is a good world after all.” Soon she called out, “Are you ready for my little surprise?” Her bedroom door opened and there she stood holding a huge birthday cake aglow with candles. There also stood my wife and kids, their eyes aglow with love, and there I stood wearing nothing but my socks.
Chuck Norris vs. Johnny Cash – HILARIOUS
I have half asleep until I read this, and then I was laughing my guts out! You have to read the original post to view all the hilarious comments (dozens and dozens) – but I just had to post this as soon as I read it. Thank you shoutwire for giving us “Ten Reaons why Johnny Cash Owns Chuck Norris”!! The Chuck Norris jokes were funny, but this is better!
Reason 1.
Only one man who has ever lived has been bad enough to be called “The Man In Black” and it wasn’t Chuck Norris
Reason 2.
Johnny didn’t have to fight to be a bad ass. He just had to pick up a beer bottle and a guitar.
Reason 3.
Norris made a bunch of films where he killed folks. Johnny Cash went to Folsom Prison and did a concert. You tell me which one takes more balls.
Reason 4.
Chuck wasn’t the first of his kind to kick ass. Johnny was the first rock star to set something on fire. While most artists only set their hotel rooms on fire, Johnny took it one step further and burned down half a national forest.
Reason 5.
When Chuck was five, he was a normal five year old. Johnny had already earned man points by working in his dad’s cotton fields. That is a true bad ass. By the time he was six, Cash did more hard work than most men do in their whole life.
Reason 6.
Chuck never got stabbed in the back by a woman. Johnny never stopped bleeding. Chuck may have gotten punched a few times, but Johnny knew what real pain was.
Reason 7.
Chuck is a republican. Johnny was close with every president except for GWB. It was said he just didn’t trust that son of a bitch. When Johnny didn’t trust someone, you just knew something foul was going on.
Reason 8.
Johnny was invited to play the at White House in 1972 for Richard Nixon. He was given a list of politically correct songs to sing. He instead metaphorically threw up his middle finger at the establishment, in true ShoutWire fashion, and sang a set full of left leaning, politically charged tunes. Chuck Norris has never told the president to fuck off in his own house.
Reason 9.
Chuck Norris made a lot of crappy movies. Johnny Cash never touched anything that didn’t turn to gold. In the 80’s, he made a song called “Chicken in Black” to get himself out of a record deal. Even that became popular.
Reason 10.
Johnny is the only man in history to decline painkillers after a double bypass heart surgery. He knew he liked drugs too god damn much and wouldn’t stop. That shows power over an addiction previously not seen before. Kicking a ninja’s ass is easy compared to kicking a drug’s ass.