A guy ordered a drink in an airport cocktail lounge and suddenly realized that sitting across from him was Bill Gates. Barely concealing his enthusiasm, he introduced himself, “Hello, Mr. Gates. My name is Larry. You don’t know me, but I’d like to ask you for a small favor.” A wary Gates asked, “And what might that be?” “I’m meeting with a potential client here in a few minutes and if I can sign this deal, it could change my whole life. All I ask is that you walk over and greet me like an old friend. Perhaps my client will be impressed enough to swing the deal.” Relieved, Gates said, “Sure. I can do that for you.” A few minutes later, as the man sat talking with his client, Gates finished his drink, walked over to them, and said, “Hey, Larry! I thought that was you. How’ve you been?” And the guy replied, “F*¢k off, Gates! I’m in a meeting here!”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Love Story of Ralph and Edna (joke)
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s gone.”
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
Hilarious Letters from Santa (and replies – NOT FOR KIDS!)
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend,
Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I
send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I’m giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
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Dear Santa
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set
you up with a Barbie.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad
just likethe boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
Three guys go to heaven (joke)
Three guys die and go to heaven, where they stood before St. Peter. St. Peter asked the first guy, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replied, “Why, I have NEVER cheated on my wife!” St. Peter is pleased. “That’s good,” he said. “Here’s a limo for you to drive around heaven.” St. Peter then asked the second guy, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replied, “Honestly? At most, five times.” St. Peter frowned. “That’s not so good,” he said. “I can only give you a motorcycle to ride around heaven.” St. Peter then asked the third guy, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He breaks down, sobbing, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I must have cheated on my wife at least fifty times.” Seeing his tears, St. Peter takes pity. “You seem remorseful, so I’ll give you this bicycle to ride around heaven.” Later, the three run into each other again. Both the bicyclist and the motorcyclist are happy, but the guy in the limo is crying. “Why are you sad? You got the limo!” And the guy said, “I just saw my wife go by on Rollerblades.”
Little Johnny’s Gambling Addiction (joke)
It was little Johnny’s first day in school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny’s urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. “Oh, everything is going very well.” She said. “I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit.” The father asked her what had happened. “The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear.” She said. “I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher’s lounge to show him that I had no mole.” “Damn!” The father said. “He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher’s ass before the day was over.”
It sure beats pork (jewish joke)
An Irish priest and a rabbi shared a compartment on a train. The priest opened the conversation by saying, “I know that your religion doesn’t allow you to eat pork. But, have you ever actually tasted it?” The rabbi replied, “To tell the truth, I’ve succumbed occasionally. Now in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate, but….” The priest smiled and replied, “Oh, I know what you’re going to ask. Yes, I’ve succumbed occasionally over the years.” There was a moment of silence. Then the Rabbi said, “Sure beats pork, doesn’t it?”
Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
“Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
“Touchdown, tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
“Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got,
And accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, “What the heck was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides”
A Priest and a Rabbi buy a car (joke)
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m blessing it with holy water,” said the priest. A few minutes later the rabbi came out of the synagogue carrying a hacksaw. He walked to the back of the car and cut off about two inches of tailpipe.
The Parrot and Thanksgiving
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s out stretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the Turkey did”
Happy Thanksgiving
Compensation for Willy
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says: ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’
‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, everything is OK but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’
The bloke perks up at this.
‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
‘I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’
‘I have.’ says the fellow.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘She has’ says the bloke.
And what is it?’ asks the doctor…
‘We’re having a new kitchen!’