A bloke went into a pub, sat down at the bar and ordered five pots. The barman wondered since he was alone, but served up the five pots. And the bloke downed them all… one, two, three, four, five. As he finished the last one, he called to the barman and ordered four more. The barman served up four pots and the bloke downed them… one, two, three, four. He belched, swayed a little on his stool, but ordered three more. And again he knocked them back… one, two, three. “Two potsh, mate!” he called. The barman served him two pots and down they went… one, two. “One pot, sssir!” The barman served him one but the bloke just sat there, staring at it, trying to focus. Then he told the barman, “Y’know, it’sh ssstrange, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I feel!”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Golf Genie (joke)
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“NO SHIT.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”
The Blonde in Biology Class (blonde joke)
The biology professor was discussing the high glucose level of semen when a blonde co-ed raised her hand. “Are you saying there’s a lot of sugar in male semen?” “Correct,” responded the professor, adding more statistical material. The same girl raised her hand again. “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” The entire class burst out laughing, her face turned bright red, she said not a word, picked up her books, and walked straight out of class never to return. As she left, the professor added with a straight face, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat!”
[tags]funny, joke, blonde joke, comedy, humor[/tags]
The Small Town Sherriff (joke)
The small town sheriff pulled over a Porsche doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 zone. Its wealthy yuppie driver was steaming. When he finally appeared before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you’re going to give me a fine. This place must be the a$$hole of the world!” The magistrate softly replied, “Mebbe so, but you’re what’s passing through it!”
Grandma’s Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
The Difference Between Potentially and Realistically (joke)
Tommy went to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?” His father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So Tommy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” She replied, “Of course I would! We could really use the money to fix up the house and send you kids to college!” Tommy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” She replied, “I Love Brad Pitt, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat!” Finally Tommy asked his brother, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” He replied. “Of course, do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
Tommy pondered the answers and went back to his Dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?” Tommy replied, “Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a homo.”
The Blonde and the Mugshot
Three Blondes were applying for a position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective interviewing them said, “To be a detective, you must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and tattos.” Then he took a photo, stuck it in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it quickly. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye; it’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The detective stuck the photo in the face of the second blonde, pulled it back and said, “Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just said? This is a profile of his face! You’re excused!”
The detective turned to the third blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but . . ” He flashed the photo in her face and withdrew it. “Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” The blonde said, “I sure did. He wears contacts.” The detective looked at the photo and began looking at some papers in a folder. He looked at the blonde and said, “You’re right! His bio says he wears contacts! How could you tell by looking at his photo?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo!! With only one eye and one ear, he can’t wear glasses!”
Speeding in the Nursing Home (joke)
An old lady is wheeling her wheelchair up and down the halls of her nursing home, making sounds like she’s driving a car. As she’s rounds one corner, an old man jumps out of his room and says, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you were speeding. May I see your license, please?†She digs in her purse and pulls out a candy wrapper. He studies it, gives her a warning, and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes. Again, the same old man stops her. “Excuse me, ma’am, but you crossed the center line back there. May I see your registration, please?†She digs in her purse and pulls out a store receipt. He studies it, gives her another warning, and sends her on her way. Again she zooms off, up and down the halls. As she passes the old man’s room for the third time, he jumps out, only this time he’s buck-naked and has an erection! The lady looks up from her wheelchair and says, “Oh, no. Not the Breathalyzer again!â€
Gone Fishin’ (joke)
A couple was on vacation up in the woods. One morning, the husband got up before dawn, went fishing and returned, just as his wife was rising. While he slept, she decided to take his boat out to the middle of the lake and read. Unfamiliar with the lake, she picked a likely spot, anchored the boat, and started reading. Soon the game warden pulled his boat up alongside hers. “What are you doing, Ma’am?” he asked. “Reading my book.” “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but you’re in a no-fishing area; I’m gonna have to haul you in.” “What? I’m not fishing!” He replied, “Perhaps; but your boat is filled with fishing gear. You have the equipment. I’m afraid I’m just going to have to write you up!” Angry, she snapped, “If you do, I’ll charge you with rape.” The warden was shocked. “But I didn’t touch you!” To which, she replied, “Yes; but you have the equipment!”
Heaven Can Wait (joke)
They had been married for sixty years. They were far from rich, but in very good health, due largely to her insistence that they both eat healthy foods and exercise every day. But their good health didn’t help them when their plane crashed. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter led them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment. “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home for eternity.” The man asked, “How much will this cost?” “Why, nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is your heavenly reward. And see that championship golf course out your back window? It’s included, too; you can play as much as you want, for free.” He also showed them the clubhouse, the pool, the lavish meals of every cuisine imaginable. “This is Heaven. Everything is free for you to enjoy.” The old man glanced nervously at his wife and then asked, “But where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods, the decaffeinated tea, the…” St. Peter interrupted. “That’s the best part,” he said. “You can eat and drink as much as you like, of anything you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” “No gym to work out at?” “Only if you want to.” “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. Here you just enjoy yourself.” The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your damned bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!