Category Archives: Jokes

Three Italian Nuns

November 4, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he ask “Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

……

“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

Ethnic Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Mormon and the Irishman

November 3, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Lady Jokes

Shirley and the Ladies

November 2, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

Three senior ladies named Shirley, Robin, and Betsy were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher
approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Both Robin and Betsy had a stroke.

But Shirley, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

Bless her heart.

Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Judges Verdict (joke)

November 1, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

The judge said to the double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!” The judge ignored the outburst and continued, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The same voice yelled out, “You lying bastard!” The judge looked sternly at the man who yelled and said, “Sir, you may be angry and frustrated by this man’s crimes, but one more outburst from you and I’ll find you in contempt of court. Do you understand?” The man replied, “I’m sorry, your Honor, but I’ve lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”

Airport Jokes, Flight Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Blind Pilot

October 31, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

All the passengers were onboard the small, third-world, puddle-jumping, commuter plane waiting for take-off. The stewardess assured them that their pilots will arrive soon; they were “delayed on another flight.” Eventually, two uniformed men wearing dark glasses entered the plane. One used a guide dog, while the other tapped his way into the cockpit with his white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the passengers glanced around, nervously searching for some sign that this was just a practical joke. No explanation was forthcoming. The plane taxied into position, then rolled down the runway, faster and faster, until the people near the windows realized they were nearing the end of the runway. Panicked screams filled the cabin, but suddenly the plane lifted off and rose smoothly into the sky. The passengers relaxed and laughed sheepishly. In the cockpit, the co-pilot said to the pilot, “You know, Bob, one of these days they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

Country Humor, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Southern Jokes

The Southern Salesman

October 30, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says “One.”

The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says “$121,237.65.”

The boss says “$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should . . . . . . go fishing!!”

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Sex Jokes

Prescription for a good marriage (joke)

October 29, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

Travis had been rather upbeat lately. “What gives?” asked Jim. “Just loving life, Jim. Loving life,” he replied. “Health, togetherness, motivated children, lack of envy: that’s the recipe for a happy life. Plus, we’ve been having more sex than any time in our marriage.” “Wow, that’s pretty good after 25 years, Travis.” “Yes, it is,” he mused. “So much so that Marge has taken to calling it her ‘medicine’.” “Oh, yeah?” said Jim. “Is she swallowing it or taking it as a suppository? “

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

The “Who Am I” Game (joke)

October 28, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow, Bob,” looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that’s when we started playing, ‘WHO AM I.’”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play, ‘WHO AM I?’”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Wife Jokes

Wife’s Birthday (joke)

October 27, 2024 topjokes Leave a comment

Two guys were talking at the bar. One said, “I didn’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything and what she doesn’t have she buys for herself. I asked a friend what to give her and he suggested a gift certificate for an hour of great sex, any way she wanted it.” “Great idea! Did you do it?” “Yeah.” “And did she like it?” “Yeah, that’s why I’m here, drinking alone. She loved it so much, she jumped up and down, thanked me, and ran out the door, yelling, “See you in an hour!”