Two blondes were walking along the beach with their friend, a brunette, when a seagull pooped on one blonde. “I’ll go get some toilet paper” said the brunette, scurrying off. One blonde said to the other, “Dummy brunette! By the time she gets back, that seagull will be long gone!”
All posts by topjokes
The Blonde and Dandruff
There were these 2 girls walking down the street – one brunette, one blonde Anyway, they come upon a young man also walking their direction and notice that he has a bad case of dandruff although he is quite nice looking. So, the brunette says to the blonde, “Maybe we should give him some Head and Shoulders.” The blonde looks at her and says, “How do you give shoulders?”
Marrying a Virgin
Tom’s dream to marry a sweet, innocent virgin came true when he met Jane. Even after they had gone together for months, he decided to test her. One night in the car, he unzipped his fly, and said to her, “Want to see my wee wee?” She yelled, “No. No! Zip your fly!” Tom was overjoyed. The night they got engaged, he tried the same thing and got the same result. Then, on their wedding night, when they were finally alone in the hotel room, he unzipped his fly again and said, “Honey, now that we’re married, you can see it,” and pulled it out. She just stared at it. “Oh, what a sweet wee wee!” Tom said, “Darling, we’re married now. You don’t have to call it a wee wee anymore. You can call it a cock.” She looked at it again and then back up at him. “No, Tom, that’s a wee wee. A co¢k is long and thick!”
Applying for a Job
Four men applied for the same job and were equally qualified so the interviewer decided to ask them one extra question to display their creativity: “What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?” The first man answered, “A thought, because it just pops into your head without warning.” “Good,” replied the interviewer and turned to the second man, “And you?” The second man said, “A blink, because it comes and goes and you don’t know it happened.” “Good,” said the interviewer and looked at the third man. “Light, because when you flip a switch, the light comes on instantaneously.” “Science says nothing is faster than light,” said the interviewer. Then it was Bubba’s turn. Bubba proclaimed, “The fastest thing is diarrhea.” “What?!” spurted the stunned interviewer. “Why? How?” Bubba finished, “Well, the other day, when I weren’t feeling so good, I ran for the bathroom but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants!”
Two Guys Driving
Two guys were driving along when the driver ran a stoplight. His buddy said, “What are you doing? You ran a stoplight!” The driver said, “Oh, it’s okay. My brother does it all the time.” Pretty soon they came to another stoplight and went right through that one, too. “Are you out of your mind? You ran another one!” The driver said, “It’s okay. My brother does it all the time.” Then they came to a green light and the driver slammed on the brakes. His friend said, “Now what? It’s green. Go!” The driver replied, “No way! My brother might be coming!”
Walking the Dog (joke)
A little girl asked her Mom, ‘Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mom replies , ‘No, because she is in heat.’
‘What’s that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’
The little girl goes to the garage and says, ‘Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.’
Dad said, ‘Bring Belle over here.’ He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.’
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Belle?’
The little girl said, ‘She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’
Marriage Counseling
A married couple went to a marriage counselor to work out their problems. The counselor began, “Let’s talk about something you have in common.” The husband replied bitterly, “In common? Well, neither one of us likes to suck dick!”
Change to Tax Code – New Tax
2007 Tax Code
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!? HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size. (Thanks to our new speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi) The brackets are as? follows:
10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $300.00…
8 – 10″ Pole Tax $250.00…
5 – 8″ Privilege Tax $150.00…
3 – 5″ Nuisance Tax $30.00…
Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
Anyone fewer than 3 inches is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
The Original Computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
if you had a 3 inch floppy…
…you just hoped nobody ever found out!
The Spouse Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened i n New York City , where a woman can go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the husband store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – these men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.
“Oh mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” She goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the husband store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.