A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare him an especially nice meal. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next year, I think there’s a good chance your husband will regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “what did the doctor tell you?” “He says you’re gonna die!”
All posts by topjokes
How Long Before I can get a Haircut?
A guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door again. “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door again. “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About an hour.” The guy leaves. The barber says to one of his buddies in the shop, “Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill returns. The barber asks, “So, Bill. Where did he go?” Bill replied, laughing hysterically, “To your house!”
I ain’t Touchin’ It (joke)
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall. Bob went into the restroom and saw a man standing at the next urinal with no arms. As he started to take care of business, he wondered how the armless man was going to do his business. As Bob finished, the man asked Bob for help. A kind soul, Bob said, “Sure, I’ll help you. What do I do?” The man said, “Unzip my zipper.” Bob did. “Pull it out for me.” Bob did. It was red, with scabs and scars, and it smelled awful. “Point it for me.” Bob did… and when he was done, Bob shook it, put it away, and zipped it up. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.” Bob said, “No problem. But what’s wrong with it?” The guy pulled his arms out of his shirt and said, “I dunno, man, but I ain’t touching it!
What’s the Hurry?
An airline pilot announced over the intercom, “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve reached our cruising altitude of 33,000 feet, and it looks like we’re going to be right on time. Thank you for flying with us.” Then, wrongly believing he had switched off his microphone, said, “Take the wheel, will ya, Jim? I’m gonna go take a dump and then screw that new stewardess!” The stewardess heard this and ran to the cockpit to inform the captain that the microphone was still on. Halfway up the aisle, she tripped, and fell flat on her face. A sweet little old lady leaned over her and said softly, “What’s the hurry, hon’? He said he was gonna take a dump first!”
The Co-Ed Gets a Checkup
The co-ed was in her doctor’s office for a checkup. When she took off her blouse, he noticed a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asked the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love.” A few days later, another co-ed came in for a checkup. When she took off her blouse, the doctor noticed a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” he asked. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love.” A few days later, a third girl came in for her checkup. When she removed her blouse, he noticed a green “M” on her chest. “I assume you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” he asked. “No,” said the girl, “I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
A Penguin driving his Cadillac
Once a penguin was driving his Cadillac through Arkansas. Cruising through this small town, his car began to knock. So, the penguin pulls his Cadillac into the local garage. The mechanic says, “it’ll be a couple of hours before I can check it out.” And the penguin replies, “I’ll head across the street and check out that grocery store.” He immediately heads into the frozen foods section, where he spends the next two hours munching on fish sticks and ice cream bars. After a couple of hours, the penguin heads back to the garage. The mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” To which the penguin blushes and replies, “Oh, no! That’s just vanilla ice cream.”
Meat Nativity Scene
So what do you think about the baby jesus on a bed of sauerkraut? This meat nativity scene smells like bacon for sure! Is is kosher? I dunno, but looks like a bunch of lil’ piggies to me. I would’ve liked to see this after it had cooked! Was this for Sunday dinner or Christmast dinner? This is a WTF pic for sure!
Vasectomy gone wrong (joke)
During a vasectomy, the surgeon slipped and cut off one of the man’s testicles. Hoping to avoid a malpractice suit, he replaced the missing testicle with an onion. When the patient came in for a follow up, he said, “Everything’ s fine, doc, but my sex life has changed.” “How?” asked the anxious doctor. “Well, doc, whenever I pee, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!”
Waiting for Surgery
A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared. A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared. When he appeared a third time, she worked up her courage and asked, “Doctor, will I be going into surgery sometime soon?” And the man replied, “Don’t ask me, lady. I’m just a painter!”
The Nudist Colony
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to tell her that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails the top part. Then his grandmother writes, asking for a current photo of himself in his new location. Again, he cuts a photo in half, but this time sends the wrong half by accident. When he realizes that he sent the wrong half he is worried, but, remembering how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, figures she won’t notice. Sure enough, grandma’s next letter says, “Thanks for the photo. Change your hairstyle…it makes your nose look too short!”