All posts by topjokes

Blonde Flight

A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.? she then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “i’m blond, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “i’m blonde, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “you say she is a blonde? i’ll handle this. i’m married to a blonde. i speak blonde.”

The goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, i’m sorry.” and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “first class isn’t going to houston.”

Italian Boys Confession

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Volpe?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone.? You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

Honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no surprise in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods”

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m going to call room service for some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife one more time. When they finish, he’s gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole..”

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be? in good health, they were concerned about his rather small privates.? After? examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.? That should solve the problem.”? The next? morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm? pancakes in the middle of the table.? “Gee,? Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”? “Just take? two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

Church

A? man went to a Catholic church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the? priest’s hand. He said “Father, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.? Damned good!”? The priest? said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”? The man? said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five? thousand? dollars in the offering plate!”? The priest? said, “No shit?”

Teenage Sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was? concerned that her daughter was having? sex. Worried the girl? might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted? the family doctor.? The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to? stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange? for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give? her a box of condoms.? Later that? evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the? situation and handed her a box of condoms.? The girl? burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: “Oh Mom! You don’t? have to worry about that! I’m dating? Susan!”

Blonde in a Hailstorm

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really Bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he Decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail Pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went Home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her Tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still Nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her , and asked, “What are you Doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to Blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The Roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, helloooo!!! You need to roll up the windows first !!!!”

Who says men don’t remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”

“I remember that too” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…

“I would have gotten out today.”

Who’s in Charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge …

Mongolian VD

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!”

Thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks.

Faw off by itself!”