An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.? Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.? An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
‘Do you have vagina’?
‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says.
The man replies..
‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
I’ve seen a lot of beer commercial videos over the years, and none were really quite as funny as this one! I hope you enjoy it as much as I have, it puts a new spin on the term “tongue in cheek”! Lol, or LMAO really…
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “What was that all about?”
“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it
to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, “Why, that’s a
Thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Wow, said the blonde, “that’s amazing…I’m going to buy it!” So
she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’ s that ?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied….. “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
Wife : “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife : “They gave those away.”
Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled upon an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came forth.? This particular genie, however, could grant only one wish, instead of the standard three wishes.? Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as Patrick and Michael considered their circumstances. Abruptly, Michael turned to Patrick, whose wish had been granted.
After a tension-filled moment, he spoke:? “Nice going Patrick, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?”
John replied, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.? The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.? You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years.? Once he fell asleep, and another time… I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Here are 6 hilarious photos of 6 bitter breakups (or divorces)! You sure wouldn’t want to be the one on the receiving end of any of these!
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