All posts by topjokes

Ethnic Jokes, Irish Jokes, Jokes

Two Irishmen A-Fishin’

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Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s
provisions, Patrick stumbled upon an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came
forth.? This particular genie, however, could grant only one wish, instead of the standard three wishes.? Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as Patrick and Michael considered their
circumstances. Abruptly, Michael turned to Patrick, whose wish had been granted.

After a tension-filled moment, he spoke:? “Nice going Patrick, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Visit to Tiffaney’s (joke)

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A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”

Jokes, Work Jokes

A Bad Day at Work

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If you don’t laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!? This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have
a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He? performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sis,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you? ? to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.? Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other? ? divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Jokes, Wife Jokes

Such a Loving Husband

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Loving husband Jeff was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and
his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”

The next morning, Jeff got up really early before work. When his wife woke
up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough,
there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the
box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Jeff is not yet able to have visitors.

Funny Jokes, funny pics, Jokes

WTF Toilet Paper Dispenser

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Well, if you were in a restaurant and saw this toilet paper dispenser, I know that you’d immediately say “WTF?!”. Disgusting or not, it’s gotta make you laugh….

anus-toilet-paper

What if it runs out of toilet paper? Are you sticking your finger inside to see if there’s more? I wonder if this type of marketing is exclusive to gay bars?

asshole-toilet-paper

Jokes

Grandma’s Birth Control Pills

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This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life. He
finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her
medications that had been prescribed for her. ? As the young doctor was
looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a
prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could
possible help you sleep.”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee. ? “Yes, dear, I know
that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange
juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks………………..and
believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”

You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas

Dirty Jokes, Jokes

Black Panties

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Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly
calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said
she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first
night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a
pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”

She replied: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still mourning.”

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the
same–she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday
suit–but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences…”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Lumberjack Interview

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

“Take a couple swings at that tree over there.” The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

“Holy smokes, you’ve got quite the arm! You’re absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here.” The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

“That’s incredible!” Cried the foreman. “Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!”

“In the Sahara Forest.” Replied the lumberjack.

“Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?” Asked the foreman.

“That’s why I’m here.”

Country Humor, Jokes

A Little Country Humor

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An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

Dirty Jokes, Jokes

First Time Sex

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.? Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .? The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.? That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.? A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”? The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”