One night, a small commuter jet was headed from Seattle to Vancouver with just four passengers: Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, the Dalai Lama, and a college student. Suddenly, there was an explosion and the plane filled with smoke. The cockpit door opened, the pilot hurried through the compartment, saying, “bad news. We’re going to crash and there are only four parachutes.” With that, he grabbed a parachute, threw open the door and leaped from the plane. Michael Jordan jumped to his feet. “Gentlemen,” he announced, “I’m the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. Therefore, I’m taking one of the parachutes!” With that, he grabbed a parachute and hurtled out the door. Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. Therefore, I’m taking one of the parachutes, too!” With that, HE grabbed one and jumped. The Dalai Lama looked at the college student. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a long and satisfying life. I have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your whole life before you. You take a parachute. I will go down with the plane.” The college student just smiled, “Not necessary, man. The world’s smartest man just left wearing my backpack!”
All posts by topjokes
Irish Joke
A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”
“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Waiting on a Friend
Chris went over to his friend’s house and rang the bell. “Hi, Nora. Is Tony home?” “No, he’s at the store.” “Well, do you mind if I wait?” “Of course not. Come in, Chris.” They sat down to kill a little time. Eventually Chris said, “Nora, I’ve always thought you have the best breasts I’ve ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks just to see one.” Nora considered this and figured, “what the hell; we could use a hundred bucks.” So she demurely opened her robe, exposing her left breast. Chris was impressed, thanked her and laid a hundred dollar bill on the table. They chatted a little more until Chris said, “That breast was so beautiful, now I’m just dying to see them both. I’ll give you another hundred bucks to see them both together.” Nora thought again and decided, “what the hell, he’s seen one…” so she dropped her robe, and gave Chris a nice long look. Again, he thanked her and tossed another hundred dollar bill on the table. “Well, I can’t wait any longer,” he said, standing. “Tell Tony I dropped by.” And he left. When Tony arrived home, Nora told him, “Your weird friend, Chris, stopped by.” Tony was surprised. “Oh, yeah? Did he drop off that 200 bucks he owes me?”
The Guessing Game (joke)
An elderly man and woman are sitting all alone in the rest home when the man says to the woman, “Bet you can’t guess my age.” The woman replies, “Bet I can.” “Bet you can’t.” “Bet I can and I’ll prove it. Unzip your fly.” The man shrugs, but unzips his fly. The woman reaches in, feels around a little, then pulls out her hand. “You’re 83,” she announces. “That’s amazing!” says the man. “How did you know?” “You told me yesterday!”
The Pumpkin Patch (joke)
There’s nothing quite like a good Halloween joke – is there?
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Tuesday night.
On Wednesday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around” he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.’ “Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor.
“I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
“I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said…
“A pumpkin? Shit…is it midnight already?”
T.G.I.F. (joke)
A blonde went to her friend’s house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. “Why are you wearing a ‘Thank God It’s Friday shirt?” asked her friend. “It’s only Wednesday!” “Oh, crap!” said the blonde. “I thought that meant ‘Tits Go In Front!’ “
The Blonde Fishing Trip
What was this guy thinking taking a blonde on a fishing trip?
A guy and his blonde girlfriend went on a fishing trip. Renting all the equipment (rods, reels, waders, boat, even a cabin in the woods), they spent a fortune. They fished every day and never caught a thing. Finally, on the last day there, he caught a fish. Driving home, he said to his girlfriend, “Do you realize that catching one lousy fish cost us two thousand dollars?” She replied, “Wow! Good thing we didn’t catch more!”
The Retirement Dinner (joke)
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that andI had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”…
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
Joliet Blonde (joke)
A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.
He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” the captain said.
“This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave Joliet.”
Bad Day at the Pharmacy (joke)
A man got a phone call at work from his sobbing wife. Through her tears, she said, “It’s the pharmacist. I just called him with a question and he insulted me terribly!” “I’ll talk to him right now,” said the husband as he headed out to the drugstore. Finding the druggist, he started to demand an apology, but before he could say more than few words, the druggist said, “Hang on a minute and hear my side of the story: This morning my alarm failed to go off, so I got up late, left without breakfast and hurried to my car, only to realize that I had locked all my keys inside the house! I had to break a window just to get my keys. By then, I was really late, so I drove too fast and got a speeding ticket. When I was about a half mile from the store, my car died and wouldn’t restart so I ran the rest of the way here. There was a crowd of customers waiting for the drugstore to open, but every time I tried to wait on someone the damn phone would ring. Then I needed change, so I broke a roll of quarters against the register drawer and they fell all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick them up when the phone rang again. As I raised up to answer the phone, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back and knock over a perfume display which fell on the floor breaking every damned bottle! Now the place smells like a cheap brothel, the customers are complaining, and phone is still ringing, and I finally answered it and it was your wife asking me how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, with God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”