The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman’s poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?” The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.” The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!” This time the Marine didn’t say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!” An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. “Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window!”
All posts by topjokes
Learning to Wash Laundry (joke)
At a couple’s first breakfast in their new home, the wife commented, “Look at our new neighbor’s laundry. It’s not even clean,” she said. “She must not know how to wash correctly.” Her husband looked, but said nothing. The next time their neighbor hung her wash, the wife said, “Maybe she needs a better brand of soap.” This went on for about a month, but finally, one day the neighbor’s laundry was clean. The wife said, “Look at that! Finally she learned how to wash. I wonder who taught her?” Her husband replied, “No one. I got up early this morning and washed our windows.”
Dusty Underwear (joke)
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!’
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud
appeared when he shook them out.
‘Susan,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’
She replied with a snicker… ‘It’s not talcum powder……
It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.’
Your Hair Smells Nice (joke)
Every day a man would walk up to a woman in her office, stand very close to her, inhale a deep breath of air, and say, “Your hair sure smells nice!” After a week of this, she reports him to the Human Resources Department. “I want to file a sexual harassment suit against him.” The HR supervisor was puzzled. “I don’t get it. How is a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice sexual harassment?” The woman replied, “It’s Keith. You know, the midget?”
Whatcha Doin’? (joke)
Little Johnny woke up late one night and heard some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. But by the time he got to their room, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light was on. Little Johnny looked in the bathroom and saw his father removing a condom. “Daddy, whatcha doin’?” asked Little Johnny. His startled father tried to think of something to say and all he could come up with was, “Uh, I’m just checking the bathroom for mice.” Little Johnny looked confused. “What are you gonna do, screw ’em?!”
The morning ritual (joke)
An otherwise happily married couple’s only friction was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. He was loud enough to wake his wife, make her eyes water, and gasp for air. She begged him every morning to stop, but he said he couldn’t and it was natural. “You should see a doctor, then, because someday you’re going to blow your guts out.” Then, one Thanksgiving morning when she arose early to prepare the turkey while he slept in, the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and spare parts gave her a malicious idea. She carried that mess upstairs, gently pulled back the covers, stretched out the elastic waistband of his boxers, emptied the entire bowl inside, and sneaked back downstairs. She later heard him awaken with his usual trumpeting, but this time it was followed by a bloodcurdling scream. She laughed so hard she cried! “That ought to make up for my years of torture!” she thought. Twenty minutes later her husband entered the kitchen with a look of horror on his face, still wearing his stained underwear. She had to bite her lip as she asked, “Honey, what’s wrong?” He said, “I should have listened to you. All these years you’ve warned me.” “About what?” “You always said that someday I’d end up farting my guts out and this morning it finally happened. But, by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of it back inside!”
My Lexus is ruined (joke)
A successful attorney parked his new Lexus in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened his door to get out, a truck whizzed by tore off the driver’s door completely. The furious lawyer grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. Within minutes, a policeman pulled up. “My brand new Lexus is ruined! It’ll never be the same!” The cop shook his head in disgust. “You lawyers are so materialistic!” he said. “You focus entire on possessions and ignore life itself.” “Oh, yeah?” asked the lawyer. “What makes you say that?” The cop replied, “Good God, man. Do you even realize that your left arm got ripped off along with your door?” The lawyer looked down and saw what the cop said was true. He screamed, “My new Rolex!”
The Greatest Day (joke)
As the groom entered the church, the best man noticed he had the biggest, brightest smile on his face. “Boy, you sure look happy to be getting married.” The groom replied, “Buddy, that’s because I just got the best blow job of my life and I’m here to marry the woman who gave it to me!” In another part of the church, the maid of honor told the bride, “You look happier than I’ve ever seen you.” The bride replied, “Honey, that’s because I just gave my last blow job!”
Norwegian Job Interview (joke)
A construction site foreman was interviewing applicants when in came a Norwegian. “I’m not hiring any Norwegians,” thought the foreman, so he made up a little test he was sure the applicant couldn’t pass. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” asked the Norwegian. “Dat’s easy!” and he drew three trees. “What’s this?” asked the foreman. “‘Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine!” “Hmm. Fair enough, I guess. Okay, here’s the second question: Without using numbers, represent the number 99.” The Norwegian thought a moment, then made a smudge on each of the trees. “‘Ere you go.” The boss scratched his head. “How on Earth is that supposed to be 99?” “Each tree is dirty, so that’s dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree, which makes 99!” The foreman’s got to come up with some way to stump this Norwegian, so he tried, “All right, same rules, but represent the number 100.” The Norwegian quickly grabbed his pencil, made a little mark at the base of each tree, and said, “Ere you go. A hundred!” The foreman looked dumbfounded. “How in the hell is that a hundred?” The Norwegian pointed to the marks at the base of each tree. “A little doggie just crapped by each tree, so that’s dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turf, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. Ven do you wan’ me ta start?!”
The Polish Divorce (joke)
After only a year in Canada, a Polish man got married to a nice Canadian girl. They got along quite well until the day he rushed into his lawyer’s office and begged him to arrange a quick divorce. The lawyer said, “What are the circumstances? Have you any grounds?” And the Polish immigrant replied, “Ja, ja, ve’ve got an acre and a half with a nice little house.” “No, I mean, what is the foundation of your case?” “It’s made of concrete.” “Does either of you have a grudge?” “No, but we have a big carport.” “I mean, what are your relations like?” “All my relations are in Poland.” “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, we have high fidelity stereo and a CD player.” “No, I mean, does your wife beat you up? “No, I get up before her.” “Is your wife a nagger?” “What? No, she’s white.” “Why do you want this divorce anyway?” “She’s gonna kill me. She’s going to poison me.” “Really? What makes you think so?” “I’ve got proof.” “What kind of proof?” “She brought home a bottle from the drug store that says, ‘Polish Remover!'”