A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: “Wow, how did you know?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
All posts by topjokes
Hypnotism Works (joke)
If only hypnotism worked like this on everything!
A woman told her husband, “I finally got rid of those headaches that have killed me all these years. I saw a hypnotist today and he told me to stand before a mirror and repeat to myself, ‘I do not have a headache’ three times. It worked! My headache is gone.” Her husband replied, “That’s wonderful. Maybe he could help my libido.” The next day he went to the hypnotist. When he got home, he ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife, carried her to their bedroom, put her on the bed, and said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.” He spent a few minutes in the bathroom, returned, and made passionate love like he hadn’t in years! His wife said, “That was wonderful! Want to go again?” He said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back” and headed to the bathroom. Curious, this time she followed him. She found him standing before the mirror saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife! She’s…”
Thirty Years of Deposits
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had “charged” him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If
I’d had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!”
That’s when she shot him.
The More You Drink (joke)
A bloke went into a pub, sat down at the bar and ordered five pots. The barman wondered since he was alone, but served up the five pots. And the bloke downed them all… one, two, three, four, five. As he finished the last one, he called to the barman and ordered four more. The barman served up four pots and the bloke downed them… one, two, three, four. He belched, swayed a little on his stool, but ordered three more. And again he knocked them back… one, two, three. “Two potsh, mate!” he called. The barman served him two pots and down they went… one, two. “One pot, sssir!” The barman served him one but the bloke just sat there, staring at it, trying to focus. Then he told the barman, “Y’know, it’sh ssstrange, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I feel!”
The Golf Genie (joke)
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“NO SHIT.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”
The Blonde in Biology Class (blonde joke)
The biology professor was discussing the high glucose level of semen when a blonde co-ed raised her hand. “Are you saying there’s a lot of sugar in male semen?” “Correct,” responded the professor, adding more statistical material. The same girl raised her hand again. “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” The entire class burst out laughing, her face turned bright red, she said not a word, picked up her books, and walked straight out of class never to return. As she left, the professor added with a straight face, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat!”
[tags]funny, joke, blonde joke, comedy, humor[/tags]
The Small Town Sherriff (joke)
The small town sheriff pulled over a Porsche doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 zone. Its wealthy yuppie driver was steaming. When he finally appeared before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you’re going to give me a fine. This place must be the a$$hole of the world!” The magistrate softly replied, “Mebbe so, but you’re what’s passing through it!”
Grandma’s Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
The Difference Between Potentially and Realistically (joke)
Tommy went to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?” His father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So Tommy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” She replied, “Of course I would! We could really use the money to fix up the house and send you kids to college!” Tommy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” She replied, “I Love Brad Pitt, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat!” Finally Tommy asked his brother, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” He replied. “Of course, do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
Tommy pondered the answers and went back to his Dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?” Tommy replied, “Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a homo.”
The Blonde and the Mugshot
Three Blondes were applying for a position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective interviewing them said, “To be a detective, you must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and tattos.” Then he took a photo, stuck it in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it quickly. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye; it’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The detective stuck the photo in the face of the second blonde, pulled it back and said, “Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just said? This is a profile of his face! You’re excused!”
The detective turned to the third blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but . . ” He flashed the photo in her face and withdrew it. “Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” The blonde said, “I sure did. He wears contacts.” The detective looked at the photo and began looking at some papers in a folder. He looked at the blonde and said, “You’re right! His bio says he wears contacts! How could you tell by looking at his photo?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo!! With only one eye and one ear, he can’t wear glasses!”