An old lady is wheeling her wheelchair up and down the halls of her nursing home, making sounds like she’s driving a car. As she’s rounds one corner, an old man jumps out of his room and says, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you were speeding. May I see your license, please?†She digs in her purse and pulls out a candy wrapper. He studies it, gives her a warning, and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes. Again, the same old man stops her. “Excuse me, ma’am, but you crossed the center line back there. May I see your registration, please?†She digs in her purse and pulls out a store receipt. He studies it, gives her another warning, and sends her on her way. Again she zooms off, up and down the halls. As she passes the old man’s room for the third time, he jumps out, only this time he’s buck-naked and has an erection! The lady looks up from her wheelchair and says, “Oh, no. Not the Breathalyzer again!â€
All posts by topjokes
Gone Fishin’ (joke)
A couple was on vacation up in the woods. One morning, the husband got up before dawn, went fishing and returned, just as his wife was rising. While he slept, she decided to take his boat out to the middle of the lake and read. Unfamiliar with the lake, she picked a likely spot, anchored the boat, and started reading. Soon the game warden pulled his boat up alongside hers. “What are you doing, Ma’am?” he asked. “Reading my book.” “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but you’re in a no-fishing area; I’m gonna have to haul you in.” “What? I’m not fishing!” He replied, “Perhaps; but your boat is filled with fishing gear. You have the equipment. I’m afraid I’m just going to have to write you up!” Angry, she snapped, “If you do, I’ll charge you with rape.” The warden was shocked. “But I didn’t touch you!” To which, she replied, “Yes; but you have the equipment!”
Heaven Can Wait (joke)
They had been married for sixty years. They were far from rich, but in very good health, due largely to her insistence that they both eat healthy foods and exercise every day. But their good health didn’t help them when their plane crashed. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter led them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment. “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home for eternity.” The man asked, “How much will this cost?” “Why, nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is your heavenly reward. And see that championship golf course out your back window? It’s included, too; you can play as much as you want, for free.” He also showed them the clubhouse, the pool, the lavish meals of every cuisine imaginable. “This is Heaven. Everything is free for you to enjoy.” The old man glanced nervously at his wife and then asked, “But where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods, the decaffeinated tea, the…” St. Peter interrupted. “That’s the best part,” he said. “You can eat and drink as much as you like, of anything you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” “No gym to work out at?” “Only if you want to.” “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. Here you just enjoy yourself.” The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your damned bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!
Three Italian Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he ask “Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
……
“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
The Mormon and the Irishman
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Shirley and the Ladies
Three senior ladies named Shirley, Robin, and Betsy were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher
approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Both Robin and Betsy had a stroke.
But Shirley, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
Bless her heart.
The Judges Verdict (joke)
The judge said to the double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!” The judge ignored the outburst and continued, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The same voice yelled out, “You lying bastard!” The judge looked sternly at the man who yelled and said, “Sir, you may be angry and frustrated by this man’s crimes, but one more outburst from you and I’ll find you in contempt of court. Do you understand?” The man replied, “I’m sorry, your Honor, but I’ve lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
The Blind Pilot
All the passengers were onboard the small, third-world, puddle-jumping, commuter plane waiting for take-off. The stewardess assured them that their pilots will arrive soon; they were “delayed on another flight.” Eventually, two uniformed men wearing dark glasses entered the plane. One used a guide dog, while the other tapped his way into the cockpit with his white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the passengers glanced around, nervously searching for some sign that this was just a practical joke. No explanation was forthcoming. The plane taxied into position, then rolled down the runway, faster and faster, until the people near the windows realized they were nearing the end of the runway. Panicked screams filled the cabin, but suddenly the plane lifted off and rose smoothly into the sky. The passengers relaxed and laughed sheepishly. In the cockpit, the co-pilot said to the pilot, “You know, Bob, one of these days they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”
The Southern Salesman
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says “One.”
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$121,237.65.”
The boss says “$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should . . . . . . go fishing!!”
Prescription for a good marriage (joke)
Travis had been rather upbeat lately. “What gives?” asked Jim. “Just loving life, Jim. Loving life,” he replied. “Health, togetherness, motivated children, lack of envy: that’s the recipe for a happy life. Plus, we’ve been having more sex than any time in our marriage.” “Wow, that’s pretty good after 25 years, Travis.” “Yes, it is,” he mused. “So much so that Marge has taken to calling it her ‘medicine’.” “Oh, yeah?” said Jim. “Is she swallowing it or taking it as a suppository? “