A little boy in a big fireman’s hat was riding down the sidewalk on his toy fire truck, being pulled by a big old ugly dog. Unfortunately, since the boy had tied the rope around the dog’s privates, the truck was going rather slowly. A man noticed this and gently said, “You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if you tied the rope to your dog’s collar.??? The boy nodded in agreement. “Maybe so, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!???
Category Archives: Animal Jokes
Animal jokes are funny even when you’re not at the zoo! We’ve got the best animal jokes so you can laugh until your fur falls off!
An American Tourist in Spain
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant for dinner. While sipping a glass of wine, he noticed a sizzling platter being delivered to the next table. It not only looked good, it smelled wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that dish???? The waiter smiled. “Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are from the morning bullfight. After the matador kills the bull, his testicles are removed and brought to our restaurant. Ah, such a delicacy!??? The American was momentarily daunted by the origin of the dish, but decided, what the hell? I’m on vacation! “Bring me an order!??? The waiter frowned. “I am so sorry, señor. But since there is but one bullfight each day, there is but one serving each day. But you could place your order now for tomorrow and I would be pleased to serve you this specialty!??? He placed his order and impatiently waited 24 hours. The next evening he returned to the same restaurant and the same waiter proudly served him the one and only order of the delicacy of the day. After a few delicious bites, he called the waiter over to his table. “These are surely delicious, but they seem so much smaller than yesterday’s serving???? The waiter replied, “Si, señor! Not everyday does the bull lose!???’
Don’t Mess With Old Farts
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle
thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle
exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.? The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and
just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.? “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story….
Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh#$ and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Walking the Dog (joke)
A little girl asked her Mom, ‘Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mom replies , ‘No, because she is in heat.’
‘What’s that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’
The little girl goes to the garage and says, ‘Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.’
Dad said, ‘Bring Belle over here.’ He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.’
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Belle?’
The little girl said, ‘She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’
Frog and the Mushroom
What did the frog say to the mushroom?
You’re a really fun-gi!
Who shot the beaver?
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better… I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?”
The doctor replied, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.? He raised his umbrella and went “bang, bang, bang”, and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?
The 90-year old said, “I’d say somebody else shot the beaver.”
The doctor said, “My point exactly.”
Racetrack Fieldtrip (joke)
Two female teachers took their third, fourth and fifth graders on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about horses and the supporting industry. During the tour, when some children needed to use the toilet, they decided that one teacher would take the girls and the other teacher would take the boys. Waiting outside the men’s room, one little boy came out to tell her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the line of little boys up by their armpits, one by one. Holding up one, she couldn’t help but notice that, for an elementary school child he was unusually well-endowed. “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said. “No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh, but thanks for the lift!”
Two Whales in the Ocean (joke)
A male and female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they passed under the very whaling ship that killed the male’s father five years before. Excited at the chance to exact revenge for his father’s death, the male says, “Let’s swim right underneath the ship and expel air through our blow holes until we capsize their boat. That ought to make them think twice about killing innocent whales!” The female whale agrees and together they manage to sink the whaler. But their celebration is short-lived when they notice most of the sailors are swimming to shore. “Let’s gobble them up!” cries the male. “No way,” says the female: “I agreed to the blow job, but there’s NO WAY I’m swallowing seamen!”
The snoring dog (joke)
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.
‘Yeah right!’ she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers…’I don’t know where we were …Or what we did… But, by God … We took first and second place!
Exact Change (joke)
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to
pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’