A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, “I bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can’t play.” The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus picks it up, tunes the strings and starts playing. His owner pockets fifty bucks. Next comes a guy with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, wiggles the valves a few times, licks its lips and plays a fantastic jazz solo. His owner pockets another fifty bucks. The bartender disappears out back, returns a few moments later with a set of bagpipes, and says, “If your octopus can play that, I’ll give you a hundred dollars.” The octopus looks at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, and looks again from another angle. The puzzled octopus’ owner interrupts his pet’s concentration, and says, “Well? Are you going to play it or not?” The octopus says, “Play it? Hell! I’m trying to figure out how to take off its pajamas!”
Category Archives: Animal Jokes
Animal jokes are funny even when you’re not at the zoo! We’ve got the best animal jokes so you can laugh until your fur falls off!
Bear Remover
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. “What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.” He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
Dog Food Diet (joke)
Yesterday at Wal-Mart I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Athena, the wonder dog. I was in the check-out line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her I probably shouldn’t because last time I’d ended up in the hospital! I’d lost 50 pounds when I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I thought I’d try it again. By this time everyone in this line (and others) was now enthralled with my weight loss story. Horrified, she asked if I was in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no – I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore!
The Purple Parrot (joke)
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.
“Hey, bitch, “says the parrot, “bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!”
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again: “Goddammit, you lazy whore, where’s my whiskey? Hurry it up!”
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot’s drink.
Impressed with the parrot’s technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
“Hey, slut, ” says the man, “get me a dry martini. And don’t drag your sorry ass – I want it right Now!”
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, “Ya know, for someone who can’t fly, you got a lotta balls.”
African Lion
A father took his seven-year-old son to the zoo. As they viewed the animals, his son pointed and said, “Look, Dad. There’s a frickin’ lion!” “What did you say?” asked his astonished father. “It’s a frickin’ lion!” People stared. Unsure how to respond, he asked, “Son, where did you come up with that?” The little boy replied, “It’s on that sign. See, Dad?” and he pointed to the sign on the fence reading, “African Lion.”
How to cure dog snoring (joke)
A married woman had a dog that snored even louder than her husband. She asked the vet for help and he suggested she tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles. “Yeah, right!” she thought. But that night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog started snoring again. She tossed and turned until finally she went to the closet, found a piece of red ribbon, and, as soon as she got it around the dog’s testicles, the dog stopped snoring! She was amazed! But, before she could get to sleep, her husband rolled over and began to snore even louder than that dog! She tossed and turned until finally she had an idea. She went back to the closet, found a piece of blue ribbon, and, as soon as she got it around her husband’s testicles, he stopped snoring too! For once, she slept soundly, the whole night. In the morning, her husband awakened first and headed for the toilet but stopped when he saw himself in the mirror with a blue ribbon attached to his privates. Confused, he headed back to bed, but then he saw the red ribbon around his dog’s privates. He shook his head and said, “Well, boy, I don’t remember where we went last night or what we did, but, by God, we came in first and second!”