An elderly man asked his pharmacist to fill his Viagra prescription, “but would you please cut each one into four pieces?” The pharmacist balked. “That’s too small a dosage. That’s not enough to get you through sex.” “Oh, I don’t care about sex; I just want it to stick out far enough so that I don’t pee on my shoes!”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Hypnotist on Opening Night
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was the headliner. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist in one of his few live performances. As Claude took to the stage, he declared, “Unlike ordinary hypnotists who invite two or three people onstage, I will hypnotize each and every member of tonight’s audience!” Claude withdrew from his pocket the beautiful antique pocket watch that had been in his family for generations. As the watch swung gently back and forth, Claude chanted, “Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch.” The spotlight tightened on just his hands, the mesmerized crowd stared, the light gleamed off its polished surfaces, back and forth, back and forth, until –it slipped from Claude’s fingers, fell to the floor, and broke into smithereens. “Sh*t!” said the hypnotist, under his breath. It took three weeks to clean up the theater!
The jumpy taxi driver (joke)
The passenger tapped the taxi driver on his shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control, swerved violently, nearly hitting a bus, then crossed the sidewalk, and finally stopped inches from an outdoor cafe. After a moment when neither breathed, the driver yelled at his fare, “Don’t do that! You scared the hell out of me!” The passenger apologized. “I’m sorry; I didn’t know a little tap on the shoulder would bother you.” The driver replied, “I’m sorry; it’s just that today is my first day on the job — for the last 25 years, I drove a hearse!”
The doctor in the small town (joke)
A doctor with a unique combination of skills opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Richard Smith, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The village council didn’t like that sign, so he proposed a series of alterations: “Hysterias and Posteriors,” “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids,” “Catatonics and High Colonics,” “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives,” “Minds and Behinds,” “Lost Souls and Butt Holes,” “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Queers and Rears,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks,” “Loons and Moons…” They finally settled on “Dr. Richard Smith, Odds and Ends!”
This one looks like yours (joke)
A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his neck. “What happened?” “I was playing golf with my wife when she sliced her ball out of bounds and into a cow pasture. We went looking for it and, after a while I noticed one of the cows had something white near its tail. I walked over, lifted up its tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt! And that’s when things went horribly wrong.” “What happened?” asks the doctor. “I lifted its tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, honey! This looks like yours!'”
Two Men Walking Dogs (joke)
Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink. The man with the Chihuahua said, “Good idea, but the sign says ‘No Dogs.'” The man with the golden retriever smiled and said, “No problem. Follow me and do what I do.” As he entered the bar, the bartender yelled, “Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed in here!” The guy replied, “Oh, he’s my seeing-eye dog.” So the bartender relented, but then he spotted the other guy. “I’m sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in my bar.” The second guy echoed the first, “But he’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender looked skeptical. “Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?” “What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
Doctor’s Recommendation (joke)
The old gentleman was aging more rapidly than he wanted. “Your gout seems to be getting worse,” said his doctor. “Therefore, I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex.” “What!? Just so I can walk a little better?”
Nuns in Town
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire ‘s Pub for a cold soft drink. Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door. They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
Golfing in the patch of buttercups (joke)
The husband’s tee shot went far right, while the wife’s went far left. She finally found her ball in a patch of
buttercups. She took several practice swings and then hit a nice ball back onto the fairway, but in the process,
she hacked the hell out of the buttercups. As she returned to her bag, a woman appeared out of nowhere. “I’m Mother
Nature and I resent the way you treated my buttercups. As punishment, from this moment on you will hate the taste
of butter. Each time you eat it you’ll become nauseous.” Mother Nature then vanished as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife yelled to her husband, “Honey! Where are you?” “I’m over here …in the pussy willows.” She
screamed, “Hold your swing! HOLD YOUR SWING!!”
Bear in the Bar (joke)
A bear enters a bar in Billings, Montana, sits at the bar, bangs down his paw and demands a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear roars in anger, “Serve me a beer or I’ll eat that woman sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender again says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” True to his word, the bear goes to the end of the bar, eats the hapless woman, returns to his stool, sits down and again demands a beer. The bartender says, “We definitely don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings… who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!”