An Australian bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The barman regards the newcomers with skepticism, but asks, “What’ll it be???? The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? The man reaches into his pocket, wriggles his hand around, and, to the barman’s great surprise, pulls out exactly three-forty. The next night the man, the ostrich, and the cat enter the same bar. The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? Again, the bloke pulls the exact amount out of his pocket. On the third night, the trio comes in near closing. “The same???? asks the barman. “Nah, it’s getting’ late,??? says the bloke. “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a double scotch too… but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves the drinks and says, “That’ll be seven pounds twenty, please.??? And once again, the man pulls out the exact change from his pocket. As the barman is closing up, he can contain his curiosity no longer and asks, “Hey, Mack, there’s something I’ve got to know: how in the hell do you always pull the exact change out of your pocket???? “Well,??? says the man, “A few years ago when I was cleaning my attic, I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and offered me three wishes.??? “Oh, yeah???? asks the now-skeptical barkeep. “What did you wish for???? “My first wish was ‘If I ever need to pay for anything, I want to just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.’??? “That’s brilliant,??? says the barman. “Most people’d ask for a pile of money, but your way means you’ll ‘ave all you need for as long as you live!??? “Right. So whether it’s a pint or a Rolls Royce, I’ve always got exact change.??? The barman pauses and then says softly, “One more thing, mate. What’s the deal with your friends there? We don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in ‘ere…??? The man looks glum. “Yeah, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I did, getting stuck with them forever! You see, my other two wishes were for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.???
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing their wives. The Canadian says, “My wife must be the dumbest woman in the world. She bought $900 worth of meat at a supermarket sale, and we don’t even have a freezer!??? The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing! My wife bought a new car, and she can’t even drive!??? Not to be out-done, the Aussie says, “My wife is even dumber. Last week she left on her two-week holiday and she packed 20 condoms! And she don’t even have a penis!???