Category: Country Humor
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. ? From morning till
night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old
mule. ? He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. ? Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. ? Complain,
nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. ? Killed her ? dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. ? When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in
agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.
While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra thin spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, “Great!, I love spaghetti!”
Billy Bob asked Bubba, “How ’bout you, how’s the toilet brush? “Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I’m thinking ’bout switching back to paper.”
A guy is about three steps inside a bar when he realizes it’s a gay bar. “What the heck? I really want a drink,” he thinks, and sits down. A waiter approaches and says, “what’s the name of your penis?” The guy says, “look, buddy, I’m not into that. All I want is a drink.” The waiter says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t serve you until you give me the name of your penis.” So the customer says, “all right, you go first: what’s the name of your penis?” The waiter says “Nike… as in, ‘Just Do It.’” The guy only thinks a moment, then says, “my penis is called ‘Secret.’” “Secret?” “Yeah… strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!”
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. “What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this aseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.” He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says “One.”
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$121,237.65.”
The boss says “$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should . . . . . . go fishing!!”
You may be a redneck if your Daddy’s last words were, “Hold my beer and watch this!”
An Alabama farmer was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man on the railing ready to jump. The farmer stopped his pickup, ran up to the man, and said, “Hey fellow, stop! Why are you doing this?” The man replied, “I have no reason to live.” The farmer said, “Think of your wife and children!” “I have no wife or children.” “Well, then, think of your parents!” “They died years ago.” “Well, then, think of General Robert E. Lee!” “Who?” The farmer gave up. “Jump, you damned Yankee!”
A Texan announces to the crowd in an Irish pub, “I’ll give $500 to any man here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room grows quiet. No one takes him up on his offer, and one man even leaves. Thirty minutes later that same man taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is that bet still good?” he asks. The Texan assures him it is. The bartender starts lining up pints of Guinness, but almost as fast as he can pour, the Irishman chugs them down, easily finishing all ten pints. The pub’s patrons cheer as the Texan reaches for his billfold. “If ya don’t mind ma askin’, where did you disappear to right after I made my bet?” The Irishman replies, “Oh, that? I went to the pub across the street to see if I could do it!”
Farmer Brown took pity on the young city slicker and agreed to hire him for a day. But while spray painting the barn, he got paint on the donkey through the open door. Farmer Brown was furious, but gave him another chance. But when he replaced barb wire on a fence, a rooster got in the way and he nailed him to a fence post. “One more screw-up and you’re gone, son!” said Farmer Brown. “Let’s see if you can mow my yard. Even a city slicker should be able to do that!” But he didn’t see Farmer Brown’s pet cat lying in the tall grass and ran over it. Brown was livid and called the local sheriff. “I’m sorry, Farmer Brown, but why should I arrest him? On what charge?” “Well, Sheriff, first he painted my ass red, then he nailed my cock to the fence, and finally, he ran over my wife’s pussy with the lawn mower!”
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?” The redneck said it was his. “Your dog seems to be in heat.” The redneck replied, “No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.” The policeman said, “No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.” “No way,” said the redneck. “That dog don’t need bread. She ain’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin’.” The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!” The redneck looked at the cop and said, “Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!”