A young gay man’s friends intervened to help his problem drinking. He got involved with AA and after much struggle was clean and sober for a year. To celebrate, he held a small dinner party for his friends who were quite proud of him. He swore then and there to use the same techniques to stop smoking. A year later, he held another party to celebrate being tobacco free. Again, his friends were amazed at his good health. A year later, he hosted another party to announce, “I’m no longer gay.” All his friends, both gay and straight, were amazed. “How have you managed to change your life so drastically? ” “Did you use the same techniques you did when you stopped drinking and smoking?” “Was it a change of lifestyle?” “Was it religious?” He quieted them all and said, “Oh, nothing so drastic. It’s just that, after I quit smoking, everything tasted different!”
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for.? Send me back!”
St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back…as a chicken.”
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh?> How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside.? Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just relax and let it happen.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another
egg. His joy was overwhelming!
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re sh#$@ing in the bed!”
Paddy Reilly and his wife were awakened at 4:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door. Paddy gets up and goes to the door where an inebriated stranger, standing in the pouring rain. is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says Paddy, “It’s 3:00 in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push.” says Paddy.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No I did not. It’s 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well. You have a short memory,”says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and these two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
Paddy does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes” comes the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out Paddy.
“Yes, please.” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks Paddy.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.
A man rushes into a bar, orders six shots of whiskey and downs them just as fast as the bartender can pour them. “Drinking kinda fast, ain’tcha, buddy???? the bartender asks as he pours number seven. “Humph,??? snorts the man. “You’d drink fast, too, if you had what I have!??? “Oh? What do you have???? asks the bartender. The man stands up before replying, “About twenty-eight cents!???
A guy stopped off after work for a quick drink with his buddies. Well, one drink led to another, and another and another until he was very drunk, very late, and very worried about how mad his wife would be. But his buddies had the perfect solution: go home, sneak into the bedroom, slip under the covers from the bottom of the bed, and have sex with his wife. They told him she’d likely resist at first, but before long she’d give in, they’d have sex and he would be forgiven. He was drunk enough that this sounded worth a try. Sure enough, she did resist a little, but soon she gave in, they had sex and things went pretty smoothly. When they were done, he left the bed and went to the bathroom. There he found his wife, who warned him, “Honey, don’t go into our room. Mother is visiting and I gave her our bed.”
This is probably the funniest wine tasting joke I’ve ever heard!
A man went to a famous Parisian restaurant with his girlfriend and ordered the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returned with the bottle, poured a taste into a glass. The customer picked up the glass, smelled the wine, and put it down with a thud. “This is not the 1928 Mouton.” The waiter assured him that it was and soon a small crowd surrounded the table to convince him the wine was the 1928 Mouton. Eventually someone asked, “What makes you think it is not the 1928 Mouton?” “Because my name is Phillipe de Rothschild. I make the wine.” The original waiter blushed and admitted that he poured a Clerc Milon 1928. “I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon: it is from the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them in similar barrels, you bottle them at the same time, and even use eggs from the same chickens to refine them. The wines are the same, save for a small distance of geographic location.” Rothschild responded, “When you go to bed tonight with your wife, put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, and then smell both fingers. Then you may understand the difference a small distance in geographic location makes!”