Category: Drinking Jokes
A guy stopped off after work for a quick drink with his buddies. Well, one drink led to another, and another and another until he was very drunk, very late, and very worried about how mad his wife would be. But his buddies had the perfect solution: go home, sneak into the bedroom, slip under the covers from the bottom of the bed, and have sex with his wife. They told him she’d likely resist at first, but before long she’d give in, they’d have sex and he would be forgiven. He was drunk enough that this sounded worth a try. Sure enough, she did resist a little, but soon she gave in, they had sex and things went pretty smoothly. When they were done, he left the bed and went to the bathroom. There he found his wife, who warned him, “Honey, don’t go into our room. Mother is visiting and I gave her our bed.”
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for.? Send me back!”
St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back…as a chicken.”
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh?> How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside.? Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just relax and let it happen.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another
egg. His joy was overwhelming!
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re sh#$@ing in the bed!”
A man rushes into a bar, orders six shots of whiskey and downs them just as fast as the bartender can pour them. “Drinking kinda fast, ain’tcha, buddy???? the bartender asks as he pours number seven. “Humph,??? snorts the man. “You’d drink fast, too, if you had what I have!??? “Oh? What do you have???? asks the bartender. The man stands up before replying, “About twenty-eight cents!???