Archive for 'Catholic Jokes' Category
The Pearly Gates (joke)
Saint Peter was surprised to see a lawyer arrive at the Pearly Gates. He asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The lawyer said, “Well, a week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check his records. Gabriel confirmed the story. “Well, that’s something, [...]
Confessions
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!??? Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.??? From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.??? This satisfied the [...]
A Jew, A Catholic, and a Mormon
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the hotel bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons; one more and I’ll have a basketball team.??? The Catholic pooh-poohed his accomplishment, “That’s nothing. I have ten sons; one more and I’ll have a football [...]
Somebody Get Me A Priest
A bus strikes a man crossing a busy street. As he lies dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathers. The man gasps, “Somebody get me a priest!??? A policeman searches, but there’s none to be found anywhere nearby. Finally, a old Jewish man volunteers. “Look, Mr. Policeman, I’m not a priest, I’m not [...]
Confession
A man was in confession. He told the priest, “I almost had an affair with a woman.??? “What do you mean, ‘almost?’??? “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together a little, but then I stopped.??? The priest replied, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Don’t go near that woman again. Now, say [...]
Italian Boys Confession
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?” “Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the woman you were with?” “I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her [...]
A Nun Visits Hooters (joke)
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off.” Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room [...]
The Pope’s dilema in heaven (joke)
The Pope dies and, naturally, he goes to heaven. He’s met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and, after a whirlwind tour, is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides he’s going to read all the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures. After an eon or so [...]
The Nun in the Liquor Store
The nunnery was only a block away from Jack’s Liquor Store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine. “Hello, Jack. give me a pint o’ the brandy.” “Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I can no’ do that! I can’t sell alcohol to a nun!” “Oh, Jack,” she responded, “it’s for the Mother Superior.” Her voice [...]
In the recovery room (joke)
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have [...]
