A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have health insurance?” He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee, discussing their wonderful sons. The first mother said, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.” The second woman chirped, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.'” The third woman said smugly, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence.'” The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The other three gave her a subtle, “Well?” so she said modestly, “My son is a handsome, 6-foot 2-inch, hard-bodied Chippendale stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the girls say, ‘My God!'”
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?! ” After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.”
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, “I’ve been a pious Jew all my life, attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes.” “And what is your wife’s name?” asks St. Peter. “Penny,” the man replies. “Penny?!” shouts St. Peter. “You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. “I’ve been a devout Catholic all my life, attended church every Sunday, given generously to the church, and always took wafers and wine at communion.” “And what’s your wife’s name?” “Brandy.” “Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” With that, the Greek man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of hereâ€¦”
An Irish golfer slices his tee shot into the woods. Looking for it, he finds it near a tiny man lying near a bush with this huge knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun. When he awakes, he says, “I will grant you three wishes.” The man replies, “I want nothing from you. I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you.” and walks away. The leprechaun says, “He was a nice guy and, after all, he did catch me. I should do something nice for him. I’ll just give him the three most common wishes: unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.” A year later, the same golfer hits a great shot on the same hole on the same course, but decides to check out the woods anyway. Sure enough, there’s the same leprechaun. “How are you?” he asks. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine! How’s your golf game?” “It’s great! Every round Iâ€™m under par!” “I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun. “And how’s your financial condition?” “Amazing. Ever since I met you, every time I reach into my pocket, there’s money there.” “I did that for you, too!” responds the leprechaun. “So how’s your sex life?” Now the golfer looks at the ground. “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” The leprechaun is floored. “Once or twice a week?! That’s all?” “Well, that’s not too bad for a small town Catholic priest!”
Sister Mary burst into the principal’s office and cried, “Father, just wait until you hear this!” “Calm down, Sister Mary. Now tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, Father, I was on my way to chapel when I heard some of the older boys wagering!” “A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest. “But that’s not what made me so excited, Father. It was what they were wagering on! They were betting to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!” “Incredible! ” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?” She said, “Father, I hit the ceiling!” He mused, “So how much did you win?”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.Â “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Â Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”Â The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.Â As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”
Saint Peter was surprised to see a lawyer arrive at the Pearly Gates. He asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The lawyer said, “Well, a week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check his records. Gabriel confirmed the story. “Well, that’s something, but not enough to get you into Heaven.” The lawyer said, “Wait! Three years ago, I gave another homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter looked at Gabriel, who nodded back, affirming that it was true. Saint Peter whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you think we should do with this guy?” Gabriel gave the lawyer a quick glance and said to Saint Peter, “Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!”
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!??? Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.??? From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.??? This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!??? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!???
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the hotel bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons; one more and I’ll have a basketball team.??? The Catholic pooh-poohed his accomplishment, “That’s nothing. I have ten sons; one more and I’ll have a football team.??? To which the Mormon replied, “That’s nothing. I have seventeen wives; one more and I’ll have a golf course!???