A couple was on vacation up in the woods. One morning, the husband got up before dawn, went fishing and returned, just as his wife was rising. While he slept, she decided to take his boat out to the middle of the lake and read. Unfamiliar with the lake, she picked a likely spot, anchored the boat, and started reading. Soon the game warden pulled his boat up alongside hers. “What are you doing, Ma’am?” he asked. “Reading my book.” “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but you’re in a no-fishing area; I’m gonna have to haul you in.” “What? I’m not fishing!” He replied, “Perhaps; but your boat is filled with fishing gear. You have the equipment. I’m afraid I’m just going to have to write you up!” Angry, she snapped, “If you do, I’ll charge you with rape.” The warden was shocked. “But I didn’t touch you!” To which, she replied, “Yes; but you have the equipment!”
This is the true story of how the Internet was invented and how it began.
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com’.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ‘Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?’ And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, ‘How, dear?’
And Dot replied, ‘I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).’ Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, ‘Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.’ And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or as it came to be known ‘eBay,’ he said, ‘We need a name that reflects what we are.’ And Dot replied, ‘Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.’ ‘YAHOO!’ Said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Jim the techogeek was admiring John the technogeek’s new acquisition. “John, that new robot secretary of yours is cool!” “Glad you like her. She’s the latest model.” “How does she work?” “Easy. Squeeze her left breast and she takes dictation. Squeeze her right breast and she types a letter.” “Wow! Cool.” “Would you like to try her out?” “Sure!” They moved the new robot into an empty office and John left Jim alone with her to experiment. Suddenly, Jim’s screams of pain could be heard throughout the office! “Eeeeyaaaaa! ” John rushed in. “Jim! Did I forget to tell you that she also has a built-in pencil sharpener?!”
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 15 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy.
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times!
A truck driver hauling a container load of computers out of Silicon Valley stops at a café for a cup of coffee. As he enters, he follows a nerdy guy with tape on his glasses and a pocket protector. The proprietor doesn’t say a word, but pulls out a shotgun and blows the geek away. “Why’d you do that?” cried the truck driver. “Oh, don’t worry, since the nerds have overpopulated Silicon Valley, they’re in open season. You don’t even need a license!” The driver finishes his coffee, gets back in his truck, and as he heads out of the driveway, his load shifts, his back door opens and his load of computers spills out all over the road. Immediately a huge crowd of nerds forms, grabbing his computers. Remembering the incident in the café, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away until a cop arrives and orders him to stop. “What’s wrong, officer? I thought it was open season on nerds?” “Well, yeah,” replied the cop. “But it ain’t fair to bait ’em!”