Little Johnny was sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walked up and asked Johnnie what he was doing. Johnny replied, “I’m watching that bull screw that black cow.” The preacher was shocked. “John, you shouldn’t use that word. Instead, say the bull is going to ‘surprise’ the black cow.” “Okay.” The preacher continued on his walk. The next Sunday, the preacher was shaking hands with his parishioners as they left church when Little Johnnie appeared with his parents. The preacher bent down, smiled, and asked, “So, Johnnie, did that bull ‘surprise’ the black cow?” Johnnie replies, “He sure did! He f*Â¢ked the white one!”
Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late. “Sorry I’m late, teacher,” he said, “but I didn’t get my f*Â¢king breakfast.” “Johnny, we don’t use language like that in school! Go stand in the corner!” She then continued the geography lesson. “Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?” she asked. No hand went up except Little Johnny’s. The teacher ignored him and asked again. Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny. He replied, “He’s in bed with my Mom and that’s why I didn’t get any f*Â¢king breakfast!”
Little Johnny heard the word “whorehouse” during recess and later asked his father what it meant. Dad was shocked. “Well, uh, John, that’s a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time.” Johnny replied, “I wanna go there. I wanna go there.” Dad insisted that Johnny was too young. But on Saturday night, when Johnny’s dad and some of his friends headed to Mable’s for “a good time,” Little Johnny secretly followed them. Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable’s front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. “Yes?” she asked. Little Johnny said, “I’m here for a good time!” Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home. Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his Dad. “Johnny, where have you been? It’s late!” “I went to Mabel’s whorehouse, Daddy!” Dad blanched. “You did? Umm, how was it?” Johnny bragged, “Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!”
“Well, Little Johnny, did you enjoy your field trip today?” “It was okay, Mom.” “What did you see?” “We went to a farm and saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers.” “What?!” his mother gasped. “What’s that?” “You know, Mom; the animals that give us milk.” “But who told you they were called that?” “Our teacher. Well, actually she called them ‘F-ers,’ but we all knew what she meant!”
Little Johnny was clearly upset. His father asked him what was wrong and Little Johnny said, “Mommy eats birds!” His father was dumbfounded. “What are you talking about? Mommy doesn’t eat birds!” Little Johnny replied, “Yes, she does. Last night, on my way to the bathroom, I heard noises coming from your bedroom and when I listened at your door, I clearly heard Mommy say, ‘Should I swallow it or let it fly?!’ “
A mother was working in the kitchen while her 5-year-old son played with his electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son announce, “All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now! And all you bastards who want on, get your ass on the train ’cause we’re headin’ down the tracks!” The horrified woman ran into the living room. “You know we don’t use language like that in this house. Go to your room and stay there for two hours!” He hung his head and walked upstairs. Two hours later, he came back down. “Now, Johnny, you may play with your trains, but you must use nice language.” Soon the trains were running again and Mom returned to the kitchen. Then she heard the train stop and her son announce, “All passengers, please remember your things. Thank you for riding with us. We hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you boarding, remember: there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant journey with us today.” As she began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, you can see that bitch in the kitchen!”
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started annoying him. He tried to stomp on them, but his father reprimanded him, saying, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no honey for a month!” Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and started torturing them. His father yelled, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no butter for a month!” That evening, as Little Johnny’s mother prepared dinner, a cockroach scurried across the kitchen floor. She stomped it dead. Little Johnny looked at his father and asked, “You gonna tell her or should I?”
Think you’ve heard all the “little Johnny” jokes? Think again – this little Johnny joke was new for me in 2010!
“Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for,” said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, “Tylenol.” “Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?” “It’s for headaches.” “Excellent. Anyone else?” Another pupil said, “Nytol.” “Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?” “It helps you go to sleep.” “That’s right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?” Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, “Viagra.” “Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?” “I think it’s for diarrhea.” “Diarrhea? Who told you that?” “No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, ‘Take a Viagra and maybe that little sh*$ will get harder!’ “
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father naked in the shower for the first time. He ran to his mother, screaming, “Mommy, Mommy! Daddy has a big hairy worm hanging out of his wee-wee!” “That’s not a worm, sweetheart,” reassured his mother. “That’s a part of Daddy’s body — a very important part. If your daddy didn’t have one of those, you wouldn’t be here…. And come to think of it, neither would I!”