A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!”
“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.
“Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.
“HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!”
This is probably the funniest wine tasting joke I’ve ever heard!
A man went to a famous Parisian restaurant with his girlfriend and ordered the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returned with the bottle, poured a taste into a glass. The customer picked up the glass, smelled the wine, and put it down with a thud. “This is not the 1928 Mouton.” The waiter assured him that it was and soon a small crowd surrounded the table to convince him the wine was the 1928 Mouton. Eventually someone asked, “What makes you think it is not the 1928 Mouton?” “Because my name is Phillipe de Rothschild. I make the wine.” The original waiter blushed and admitted that he poured a Clerc Milon 1928. “I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon: it is from the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them in similar barrels, you bottle them at the same time, and even use eggs from the same chickens to refine them. The wines are the same, save for a small distance of geographic location.” Rothschild responded, “When you go to bed tonight with your wife, put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, and then smell both fingers. Then you may understand the difference a small distance in geographic location makes!”
An old Indian was sitting in front of the hardware store. Every time a pretty woman passed by, he raised his hand and said, “Chance.” One curious woman asked him, “Why is it that whenever a woman walks past, you raise your hand and say ‘Chance?’ I thought Indians raised their hand and said ‘how.'” The old Indian replied, “Me know how. Me hoping for chance!”
A man entered a bar with a tiny man perched on his shoulder. The bartender asked the man, “Who’s your little friend?” The man replied, “You don’t want to know.” After a few minutes, the tiny man hopped down onto the bar, ran to the piano, and began to play beautiful music on the piano just by running across the keys! The bartender exclaimed, “That’s the most wonderful thing I ever heard! Where did you find him?” The man replied, “Oh, one night I was walking along the beach when I found this jar. I rubbed it and out popped a genie who was evidently a little hard of hearing, because I sure as hell didn’t ask for a 12-inch pianist!”
Which one of these sounds like your wife?
Three women were discussing their sex lives. The first said, “My husband is like a championship golfer: he’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.” The second said, “My husband is like the Indianapolis 500 winner: he always gives me a couple hundred laps.” The third woman grimaced. “My husband is like an Olympic gold-medalist: he’s got his time down to under 40 seconds!”
A computer programmer was taking a smoke break when a woman passing by sarcastically commented, “Don’t you know that those things can kill you? They put a warning on every pack!” “Oh, that’s okay,” said the guy, exhaling smoke, “I’m a programmer.” “What’s that got to do with anything?” she asked. He answered, “Programmers ignore warnings; we only care about errors!”
Here’s a pic of a Giraffe that climbed a tree to escape some kind of danger. I’m guessing a lion, a tiger, or a bear – oh my! I just can’t believe that something with those long skinny legs and that tall could manage to scale any size of tree? Go figure, this is my WTF pic of the day!
A plane crashed near a desert island and the only survivors were a man and Cindy Crawford. As the days passed into weeks and the weeks passed into months, they grew closer until, eventually, they were sleeping together. After a year or more of living out everyman’s fantasy, the man grew frustrated. Concerned, Cindy asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, “Well, there is one thing. Tomorrow, could you wear this baseball cap and let me call you Bob?” Assuming the isolation was getting to him, she agreed. The next morning, he walked up to her and said, “Hi ya, Bob!” Cindy responded, “Hey, buddy. What’s new?” “Bob, guess what? I’m sleeping with Cindy Crawford!”
A man walked into a doctor’s office. The receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form with your name, address, and insurance number. When you’re done, take a seat.” Fifteen minutes later, the nurse’s aide came out, took him to the examining room and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown.” A half hour later, the nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” The doctor gave him a thorough examination and said, “I’ve checked you thoroughly. I can’t find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, “They’re outside in my truck. Where do you want them?”
Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. “I will grant you one wish,” said the genie. “One? What about three?” “One or none; take it or leave it!” Without thinking, Pat blurted out, “Turn the ocean into Guinness!” The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted. “Dammit, Pat. Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we’re going to have to pee in the damned boat!”