The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”
All posts by topjokes
Little Johnny on the fence
Little Johnny was sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walked up and asked Johnnie what he was doing. Johnny replied, “I’m watching that bull screw that black cow.” The preacher was shocked. “John, you shouldn’t use that word. Instead, say the bull is going to ‘surprise’ the black cow.” “Okay.” The preacher continued on his walk. The next Sunday, the preacher was shaking hands with his parishioners as they left church when Little Johnnie appeared with his parents. The preacher bent down, smiled, and asked, “So, Johnnie, did that bull ‘surprise’ the black cow?” Johnnie replies, “He sure did! He f*¢ked the white one!”
The police in the pumpkin patch (joke)
Police arrested a 22-year-old white male in a pumpkin patch at 11:42 PM Saturday and charged him with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The judge asked the arresting officer what happened. The officer explained, “I was driving past the pumpkin patch when I saw the defendant satisfying himself on a large pumpkin. He seemed really into it, since he failed to notice my car lights, or me walking up behind him. I said, ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you screwing a pumpkin?'” The judge asked, “And what did the defendant say?” “He looked up at me and said, ‘Pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?!'”
The woman next door (joke)
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. “Honey, you’re so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she’ll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!” He couldn’t believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. “She says fifty isn’t enough. She wants seventy-five! ” His wife was mad. “Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!”
The Honeymoon Joke
A young couple, each a virgin, was to be married the next day. The groom confessed to his father, “Pa, I’m scared to death. I don’t know anything about sex!” “Don’t worry, Dan,” replied his dad. “Your mother and I may have been a little overly protective but I promise to make it up to you. Tomorrow night, I’ll hide outside your hotel room door. If you need any advice, just say the word and I’ll be there to help.” The wedding went off perfectly, the new bride and groom settled into the hotel for their wedding night, but Dan was still nervous so he undressed in the bathroom. The bride waited and waited, but no groom. She needed to use the bathroom in the worst way, but was too embarrassed to knock. When Janet could wait no more, she grabbed a shoe box from the closet, squatted over it, and deposited a considerable load. Relieved, she got in bed, turned off the lights, and waited for her new groom. When Dan finally got up his courage and came out of the bathroom, he stepped in the shoe box. Feeling around at his feet, he cried out, “My God! This box is full of crap!” And a voice drifted in from the hallway, “Turn her over, boy!”
The Sperm Bank (joke)
A masked man carrying a shotgun burst into a sperm bank and shouted at the woman behind the counter, “Open the safe!” She nervously replied, “We’re not a real bank. We don’t have any money here. We’re a sperm bank!” He yelled back at her, “Don’t you argue with me! Open that safe or I’ll blow your head off!” She did so. “Now grab a bottle and drink it!” he ordered. “What?! It’s sperm!” “Don’t argue. Just drink it!” She did as she was told. The man ripped off his mask and to her amazement, it was her husband. “See? It’s not that difficult!”
Three men break out of prison (joke)
A white man, a black man, and a Mexican man broke out of a Florida prison. Running through the woods, with guard dogs closing in on them, came to a swamp filled with alligators. The white man says, “I’ve got to go for it. If I don’t, the dogs’ll get me.” He didn’t get more than twenty feet when the alligators got him. The black man said, “I’m bigger and stronger than that white dude. I can outswim those gators.” He got about a hundred feet before the alligators got him. The Mexican was afraid to try until the dogs came out of the woods right behind him. Then he jumped in and swam all the way across and got away. A little alligator turned to a bigger alligator and said, “Daddy, why did we eat the first two men, but not the Mexican?” The big alligator replied, “The last time we had Mexican, my a$s burned for days!”
Little Johnny in School (joke)
Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late. “Sorry I’m late, teacher,” he said, “but I didn’t get my f*¢king breakfast.” “Johnny, we don’t use language like that in school! Go stand in the corner!” She then continued the geography lesson. “Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?” she asked. No hand went up except Little Johnny’s. The teacher ignored him and asked again. Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny. He replied, “He’s in bed with my Mom and that’s why I didn’t get any f*¢king breakfast!”
The Catholics and the Jews Play Golf (joke)
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with the College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.” Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world.”
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” “None who plays golf very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can arrange to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.”
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer.
“Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I have played some terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“How can there be bad news?” the Pope asked.
“I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
Chuck Norris Facts (jokes)
Well, Chuck Norris Facts have been floating around the Internet for the last few years….and even Chuck Norris has gotten into the act. Here are some of the best ones I could find!
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
- Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
- When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
- God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
- You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.
- Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
- Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
- Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
- Many people think that the moons gravitational pull is what controls the tides. What the authorities do not want you to know is that it is really the power of the bohemith we know as CHUCK NORRIS!!!
- Guns don’t kill people, Chick Norris kills people
- Chuch Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn’t give him exact change
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing his finger and yelling “bangâ€
- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-yaâ€
- Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor to shave in the morning, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face… because the only thing hard enough to cut Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris.
- Every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings.
- Before e-mail was invented, chuck norris would attatch messages to kittens and roundhouse them.
- chuck norris doesn’t need air, air needs chuck norris.
- When Chuck Norris was born, he had already had sex, three times
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice