Category: doctor jokes

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

‘I should be in charge,’ said the brain , ‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the blood , ‘Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the stomach,’ Because I process food and give all of you energy.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the legs, ‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the eyes, ‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the rectum, ‘Because I’m responsible for waste removal.’

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

he Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…

The asshole is usually in charge

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse’, he mumbles from behind the mask, ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’ He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?’

A young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more – ‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies – ‘Oh yes here it is :
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That’s about 120 miles from here.’

‘Oh why, is that where the job’s at?’

‘No sir – that’s where the end of the line is…!!’

A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After careful examination, the doctor gave him a huge pill. “I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor said. The doctor was gone quite a while and eventually the man lost his patience. He hobbled to the sink, forced the huge pill down, slurped water from the sink until the pill cleared his throat, and then hobbled back onto the examining table. In walks the doctor with a bucket of warm water. “Okay, once the tablet has dissolved, soak your foot in it for at least a half hour.”

A woman held a young baby in the doctor’s examination room. When the doctor arrived, he examined the baby, weighed it, and found it slightly below normal. “Is this baby breast-fed or bottle-fed,” he asked. “Breast fed,” she replied. “Strip down to your waist,” he ordered. She did. He pressed, felt and cupped both breasts thoroughly, then told her to get dressed. “It’s no wonder this child is underweight. You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” replied the woman. “Actually, I’m his grandmother, but I’m sure glad I brought him!”

A man walked into a doctor’s office. The receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form with your name, address, and insurance number. When you’re done, take a seat.” Fifteen minutes later, the nurse’s aide came out, took him to the examining room and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown.” A half hour later, the nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” The doctor gave him a thorough examination and said, “I’ve checked you thoroughly. I can’t find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, “They’re outside in my truck. Where do you want them?”

A doctor with a unique combination of skills opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Richard Smith, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The village council didn’t like that sign, so he proposed a series of alterations: “Hysterias and Posteriors,” “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids,” “Catatonics and High Colonics,” “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives,” “Minds and Behinds,” “Lost Souls and Butt Holes,” “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Queers and Rears,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks,” “Loons and Moons…” They finally settled on “Dr. Richard Smith, Odds and Ends!”

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Larry went to his urologist for his exam but was surprised to learn his doctor had a new partner, a gorgeous female urologist. She explained that she was going to handle his prostate exam. “Larry, please lie on your right side, bend your knees, take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.’” Larry did so. Then she said, “Okay, now roll over onto your left side, bend your knees, take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.’” Again, Larry did so. Then she said, “Very good. Now lie on your back with your knees slightly elevated. I will check your prostate with one hand I hold your penis with my other hand. Good. Now take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.’” Larry said, “One… two… three…”

A dentist said to his patient, “This is just a shot to numb your jaw before we pull that tooth.” The patient replied, “No, don’t! I’m afraid of needles.” The dentist said, “Okay, I’ll use gas to put you to sleep.” The man said, “No, you can’t. I’m allergic to nitrous oxide.” The dentist said, “Hmm. I’ll be back in a moment. Let me look for something else.” A few minutes later he returned with a couple of blue pills. The guy asked, “What’s that? It looks like Viagra.” The dentist replied, “It is Viagra. It won’t lessen your pain, but they’ll give you something to hang onto while I pull that tooth!”