A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After careful examination, the doctor gave him a huge pill. “I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor said. The doctor was gone quite a while and eventually the man lost his patience. He hobbled to the sink, forced the huge pill down, slurped water from the sink until the pill cleared his throat, and then hobbled back onto the examining table. In walks the doctor with a bucket of warm water. “Okay, once the tablet has dissolved, soak your foot in it for at least a half hour.”
A woman held a young baby in the doctor’s examination room. When the doctor arrived, he examined the baby, weighed it, and found it slightly below normal. “Is this baby breast-fed or bottle-fed,” he asked. “Breast fed,” she replied. “Strip down to your waist,” he ordered. She did. He pressed, felt and cupped both breasts thoroughly, then told her to get dressed. “It’s no wonder this child is underweight. You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” replied the woman. “Actually, I’m his grandmother, but I’m sure glad I brought him!”
A man walked into a doctor’s office. The receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form with your name, address, and insurance number. When you’re done, take a seat.” Fifteen minutes later, the nurse’s aide came out, took him to the examining room and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown.” A half hour later, the nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” The doctor gave him a thorough examination and said, “I’ve checked you thoroughly. I can’t find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, “They’re outside in my truck. Where do you want them?”
A doctor with a unique combination of skills opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Richard Smith, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The village council didn’t like that sign, so he proposed a series of alterations: “Hysterias and Posteriors,” “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids,” “Catatonics and High Colonics,” “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives,” “Minds and Behinds,” “Lost Souls and Butt Holes,” “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Queers and Rears,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks,” “Loons and Moonsâ€¦” They finally settled on “Dr. Richard Smith, Odds and Ends!”
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Larry went to his urologist for his exam but was surprised to learn his doctor had a new partner, a gorgeous female urologist. She explained that she was going to handle his prostate exam. “Larry, please lie on your right side, bend your knees, take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.'” Larry did so. Then she said, “Okay, now roll over onto your left side, bend your knees, take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.'” Again, Larry did so. Then she said, “Very good. Now lie on your back with your knees slightly elevated. I will check your prostate with one hand I hold your penis with my other hand. Good. Now take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.'” Larry said, “One… two… three…”
A dentist said to his patient, “This is just a shot to numb your jaw before we pull that tooth.” The patient replied, “No, don’t! I’m afraid of needles.” The dentist said, “Okay, I’ll use gas to put you to sleep.” The man said, “No, you can’t. I’m allergic to nitrous oxide.” The dentist said, “Hmm. I’ll be back in a moment. Let me look for something else.” A few minutes later he returned with a couple of blue pills. The guy asked, “What’s that? It looks like Viagra.” The dentist replied, “It is Viagra. It won’t lessen your pain, but they’ll give you something to hang onto while I pull that tooth!”
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I got embarrassed when I had to perform a pelvic exam. To cover my embarrassment, I unconsciously whistled softly. Suddenly the middle-aged lady upon whom I was working laughed, which further embarrassed me. I looked up and said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No, doctor, but did you realize you were whistling, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’?”
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. Her gurney was moved into the corridor by a nurse who then went into the operating room to check if everything was ready. A man in a white coat approached, lifted the sheet, and examined her naked body. He then walked over and talked to another man in a white coat who came over and performed his own examination. When a third man started examining her, she asked, “When will you start my operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and said, “I have no idea. We’re just here to paint the corridor!”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare him an especially nice meal. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next year, I think there’s a good chance your husband will regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “what did the doctor tell you?” “He says you’re gonna die!”