An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, was shocked when the woman’s doctor said she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She had to avoid stress, eat right, and never have sex again, or the strain might kill her. They reluctantly tried to live by those rules but over time both got really horny, so the husband decided to sleep on the downstairs couch to prevent temptation. For a few weeks, this arrangement worked, until one night about 1 a.m. when they met each other on the stairs–she coming down, he heading up. “Honey, I have to confess,” she said, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.” “Glad to hear that, sweetie,” he answered, “because I was just coming up to kill you!”
Category Archives: Old Lady Jokes
The Sex Shop
An elderly woman wobbled her way into a sex shop, approached the counter and, holding on to it for support, she asked the clerk, “Dddooo youuuu ssssssell dddddiilllldosss?” Trying hard not to break out laughing, the clerk replied, “Yes, ma’am, we do. Actually we have quite a variety of different models.” She asked, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?” The clerk responds, “Yes, we do.” “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?”
Little Old Lady (joke)
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement!
Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag … ‘
‘Oh, really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!
‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’
‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off ‘
‘Well, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’
‘Well….’ says the little old lady, ‘…not everybody pays”
Two Little Old Ladies
Two sweet little old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One lady pulled out a condom with the end cut off, pulled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, “What’s that???? “A condom.??? “Condom? I never heard of it. Where’d you get it???? “Oh, you can get them at any drugstore.??? The next day the second lady walked into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, “Give me a pack of condoms.??? He looked a little shocked, but politely asked, “What brand? Oh, it doesn’t matter,??? she replied, “just as long as it fits a Camel!??? … The pharmacist fainted.
We Share Everything (joke)
“This is what marriage is really all about ”
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered ……………………………………..
“THE TEETH.”
The Smart Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…
‘Damn!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can Find some of them. Thanks for the warning!’
‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?’
‘Oh, no’, says the little old lady. ‘You see, my yard backs up to the sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!’ So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: ‘$20 or off it comes!”
‘Hey, not a bad idea!’ laughs the cop. ‘Good luck! ‘By the way, what’s In the other bag?’
‘Well’, says the little old lady, ‘Not all of them pay.’
Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
“Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
“Touchdown, tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
“Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got,
And accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, “What the heck was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides”
Sitting on the bus
So I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
The new Facelift (joke)
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’
‘I promise I won’t’ she says.
‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’
The clever letter (joke)
A 63-year-old accountant left this letter on his kitchen counter. “Dear Wife: By the time you read this letter I will be at the grand Hotel with my beautiful, sexy, 21-year-old secretary.” When he arrived at the Grand Hotel he had a letter waiting for him at the front desk. “Dear Husband: I, too, am 63years old. By the time you receive this letter I will be at a better hotel with our handsome, virile, 21-year-old gardener. You, being an accountant, will well appreciate that 21 goes into 63 many more times than 63 goes into 21.”