Category Archives: Old Lady Jokes

The new Facelift (joke)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t’ she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’

The clever letter (joke)

A 63-year-old accountant left this letter on his kitchen counter. “Dear Wife: By the time you read this letter I will be at the grand Hotel with my beautiful, sexy, 21-year-old secretary.” When he arrived at the Grand Hotel he had a letter waiting for him at the front desk. “Dear Husband: I, too, am 63years old. By the time you receive this letter I will be at a better hotel with our handsome, virile, 21-year-old gardener. You, being an accountant, will well appreciate that 21 goes into 63 many more times than 63 goes into 21.”

The Guessing Game (joke)

An elderly man and woman are sitting all alone in the rest home when the man says to the woman, “Bet you can’t guess my age.” The woman replies, “Bet I can.” “Bet you can’t.” “Bet I can and I’ll prove it. Unzip your fly.” The man shrugs, but unzips his fly. The woman reaches in, feels around a little, then pulls out her hand. “You’re 83,” she announces. “That’s amazing!” says the man. “How did you know?” “You told me yesterday!”

Speeding in the Nursing Home (joke)

An old lady is wheeling her wheelchair up and down the halls of her nursing home, making sounds like she’s driving a car. As she’s rounds one corner, an old man jumps out of his room and says, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you were speeding. May I see your license, please?” She digs in her purse and pulls out a candy wrapper. He studies it, gives her a warning, and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes. Again, the same old man stops her. “Excuse me, ma’am, but you crossed the center line back there. May I see your registration, please?” She digs in her purse and pulls out a store receipt. He studies it, gives her another warning, and sends her on her way. Again she zooms off, up and down the halls. As she passes the old man’s room for the third time, he jumps out, only this time he’s buck-naked and has an erection! The lady looks up from her wheelchair and says, “Oh, no. Not the Breathalyzer again!”

Heaven Can Wait (joke)

They had been married for sixty years. They were far from rich, but in very good health, due largely to her insistence that they both eat healthy foods and exercise every day. But their good health didn’t help them when their plane crashed. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter led them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment. “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home for eternity.” The man asked, “How much will this cost?” “Why, nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is your heavenly reward. And see that championship golf course out your back window? It’s included, too; you can play as much as you want, for free.” He also showed them the clubhouse, the pool, the lavish meals of every cuisine imaginable. “This is Heaven. Everything is free for you to enjoy.” The old man glanced nervously at his wife and then asked, “But where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods, the decaffeinated tea, the…” St. Peter interrupted. “That’s the best part,” he said. “You can eat and drink as much as you like, of anything you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” “No gym to work out at?” “Only if you want to.” “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. Here you just enjoy yourself.” The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your damned bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!

Shirley and the Ladies

Three senior ladies named Shirley, Robin, and Betsy were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher
approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Both Robin and Betsy had a stroke.

But Shirley, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

Bless her heart.

Old Age Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

“Oh yes, she says, “I remember it well.” “OK,” he says, “How about we take a stroll around there and do it again for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy stunt, but it’s a good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them just so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Not really, fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence.”

The High School Crush (joke)

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking:

“Surely I Can’t Look That Old.” Well… You’ll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With  A New Dentist. I Noticed His DDS Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School?

“Yes. Yes, I Did. I’m A Mustang,” He Gleamed With Pride.

“When Did You Graduate?” I Asked.

He Answered, “in 1959. Why Do You Ask?”

“You Were In My Class!”, I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat, Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, “What Did You Teach?”

New Boots (joke)

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’

Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’
‘Nope’, she replied.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

While you’re in there… (joke)

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped for lunch. They finished their meal and drove nearly an hour before the woman realized she must have left her glasses at the restaurant. They turned around and headed back, but the old man fussed and griped all the way about her forgetfulness. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, she headed inside to get her glasses, the man yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too.”