Category Archives: Newlywed Jokes

The Greatest Day (joke)

As the groom entered the church, the best man noticed he had the biggest, brightest smile on his face. “Boy, you sure look happy to be getting married.” The groom replied, “Buddy, that’s because I just got the best blow job of my life and I’m here to marry the woman who gave it to me!” In another part of the church, the maid of honor told the bride, “You look happier than I’ve ever seen you.” The bride replied, “Honey, that’s because I just gave my last blow job!”

The Newlyweds (joke)

The newlyweds were enjoying breakfast in bed. “Honey, tonight we’re gonna try something new.” “Oh, really? What’s left?” “68.” “68? What’s that?” “That’s where you do me and I’ll just owe you one!”

John and Mary’s Wedding Night

John and Mary were high school sweethearts, but had never had sex. “We must wait until we are married,” Mary told him. He waited. They were engaged for years, until the big day arrived. On their wedding night, Mary shyly confessed, “I have bad news. I started my period and I don’t want our first time to be all messy!” John moaned, “You’re kidding.” Mary said, “We’ll just have to wait a while longer.” Mary fell asleep, but awoke at 3 AM and noticed John was wide-awake, staring at the ceiling. “John, you might as well go to sleep.” John sighed. “I would, except my d┬íck’s so hard there’s not enough skin left to close my eyes!”

Sherlock Holmes and the 3 Bananas (joke)

“Good evening, ladies,” said Sherlock Holmes, passing three women eating bananas on a park bench. “Do you know them?” asked Dr. Watson. “No,” Holmes replied, “I’ve never met that nun, the prostitute or the bride.” “Good Lord, Holmes, how on Earth do you know that?” “Elementary, my dear Watson: the nun ate her banana by breaking off small pieces. The prostitute grabbed it with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.” “Amazing!” exclaimed Watson. “But how do you know the third is a newlywed?” “Because she held hers in one hand and then pushed her head toward it with the other!”

The Honeymoon Joke

A young couple, each a virgin, was to be married the next day. The groom confessed to his father, “Pa, I’m scared to death. I don’t know anything about sex!” “Don’t worry, Dan,” replied his dad. “Your mother and I may have been a little overly protective but I promise to make it up to you. Tomorrow night, I’ll hide outside your hotel room door. If you need any advice, just say the word and I’ll be there to help.” The wedding went off perfectly, the new bride and groom settled into the hotel for their wedding night, but Dan was still nervous so he undressed in the bathroom. The bride waited and waited, but no groom. She needed to use the bathroom in the worst way, but was too embarrassed to knock. When Janet could wait no more, she grabbed a shoe box from the closet, squatted over it, and deposited a considerable load. Relieved, she got in bed, turned off the lights, and waited for her new groom. When Dan finally got up his courage and came out of the bathroom, he stepped in the shoe box. Feeling around at his feet, he cried out, “My God! This box is full of crap!” And a voice drifted in from the hallway, “Turn her over, boy!”

A Young Farm Couple

A young farm couple got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong? Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home agin.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” “I might ah trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!”


The newlyweds were ready for bed when the new husband said, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?” She opened her robe and revealed her naked body. He said, “You are so beautiful. May I take a picture?” “Why?” she asked. “Because I love you so much I want to keep your picture next to my heart!” She allowed him to take a picture but then said, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body, too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?” He agreed and showed her his naked body. She asked, “May I take a picture too?” “Why?” “Because I want to get it enlarged!”