The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’? ? ‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’

‘ No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’? ‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’? ? Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.? ? ‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.’

‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’

‘Why, eat it of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.? ? ‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’

‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘ Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’

‘ Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.’

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

‘What are you doing Sister?’

‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops’ dinner.’

‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’
‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch fish.’

‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and? that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!? Let me know when you’ve finished? cleaning it.’

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’ ‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop’s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!’

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

‘You fuckers are my kind of people!’

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,…..no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, …. “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a? new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”? The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,….”If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”? More sighs and loud applause,

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, …. I will give him sex!”
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,…..”Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ….? “Screw the Preacher!'”

A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river.??? With greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river.??? And finally he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!??? As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.???

A minister died and found himself in line at the Pearly Gates behind a man wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter asked the man, “State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The man replied, “I’m Joe the taxi driver, from Noo Yawk City.” St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, “Here, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” As the taxi driver entered Heaven, St. Peter turned to the minister.” State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” He stood up tall and said, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, “Here, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The minister was confused. “Hey, wait a minute. That guy drove a taxi and he gets silk and gold, while I spent my life ministering and I get cotton and wood? How can this be?” “Simple,” said St. Peter. “Up here, we go by results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed!”