Archive for 'Marriage Jokes' Category
Losing hand at Poker
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead, still sitting at the table. Finkelstein looks around and asked, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They drew straws and Goldberg lost. “Be discreet, Goldberg,” they said. “Don’t make a bad [...]
Man on a Mission
A man’s wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including “comfortable underwear.” Worried he’d make the wrong choice, he asked, “But how will I know which ones are comfortable? ” She answered, “Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put ‘em [...]
Don’t Take another step
A woman was walking down the street when she heard a booming voice shout, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She obeyed and suddenly a ton of bricks fell right where she would have been. She looked around, saw no one and assumed she imagined the voice. She continued a few minutes until the same voice [...]
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically? telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it [...]
No Peeking!
The bride had carefully packed a long white silk nightgown for her honeymoon, but her sister secretly replaced it with a sexy little pink number she thought better suited to a couple’s first night together. In the hotel, she went into the bathroom to change leaving her new husband on the bed. “No fair peeking!” [...]
A Young Farm Couple
A young farm couple got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner: [...]
The Funeral Procession
A woman walked out of Starbucks with her morning coffee and was taken aback by an unusual funeral procession. One long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse, which was followed by a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash, who was followed by at least 200 more women in a [...]
Just Slip One In…
A woman complained to her friend that her husband was losing interest in sex. Her friend told her she should get him on Viagra. “Oh, Henry would never take anything like that! He’s too proud.??? “Here, just take some of mine. Slip one into his mashed potatoes at dinner tonight and he’ll never know what [...]
At the Auction
A farmer and his wife were at livestock auction. The auctioneer announced the first bull had reproduced 60 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 5 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the second bull had reproduced 120 times last year. The wife leans [...]
Shopping for a Gift
Shopping for a gift for his wife, a man asked the perfume clerk to show him some “really nice perfume.” She brought out a bottle costing $150. “Whoa! That’s a lot of money,” he moaned. “Maybe something that’s just a little less nice?” So she showed him a bottle that cost $100. “That’s still too [...]
