Category Archives: Marriage Jokes

10 Commandments on Marriage (joke)

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 Grand.

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they Both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story:

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said, “It really works!”

It’s just a statue (joke)

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open. “Hurry!” she cried. “Stand in the corner!” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move,” she whispered. “Pretend you’re a statue.” When her husband entered the bedroom, he asked, “What’s this, honey?” “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths have one in their bedroom. I liked theirs so much, I got us one, too.” Nothing more was said, and they both went to sleep. About 2:00 AM, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned shortly with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said, giving the food to the statue, “you may as well eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody even offered me a glass of water!”

Getting a divorce (joke)

The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”

The Honeymoon Joke

A young couple, each a virgin, was to be married the next day. The groom confessed to his father, “Pa, I’m scared to death. I don’t know anything about sex!” “Don’t worry, Dan,” replied his dad. “Your mother and I may have been a little overly protective but I promise to make it up to you. Tomorrow night, I’ll hide outside your hotel room door. If you need any advice, just say the word and I’ll be there to help.” The wedding went off perfectly, the new bride and groom settled into the hotel for their wedding night, but Dan was still nervous so he undressed in the bathroom. The bride waited and waited, but no groom. She needed to use the bathroom in the worst way, but was too embarrassed to knock. When Janet could wait no more, she grabbed a shoe box from the closet, squatted over it, and deposited a considerable load. Relieved, she got in bed, turned off the lights, and waited for her new groom. When Dan finally got up his courage and came out of the bathroom, he stepped in the shoe box. Feeling around at his feet, he cried out, “My God! This box is full of crap!” And a voice drifted in from the hallway, “Turn her over, boy!”

Divorce Court (joke)

The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”

The French Maid

A rich Beverly Hills matron got mad at her French maid, told her in no uncertain terms about her shortcomings as a housekeeper, and then fired her. The maid’s Gaelic ancestry couldn’t allow such abuse to go unanswered. “Ma’am, you should know: your husband considers me a better housekeeper than you. He told me himself.” Her boss said nothing. “And furthermore, he considers me a better cook than you, too.” Again, no rise. “Plus, I am better in bed than you!” Her former employer sneered, “And I suppose my husband told you that, too?” “No, ma’am,” said the maid. “The FedEx driver!”

Spicing up the Sex Life (joke)

An engaged woman, a mistress, and a married woman were chatting about their relationships and decided to surprise their men with a little sex play. That night each wore a black leather S&M bodice, stiletto heels, and a mask. The next day, they met for coffee to exchange stories. The engaged woman said, “My boyfriend came home, found me in my leather and said, ‘You’re the woman of my dreams. I love you!’ and then we made love until dawn!” The mistress said, “Oh, yes! I met him in his office after work with just a raincoat on over my outfit. When I opened that raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just made wild passionate love all over his office, all night long.” The married woman said, “I sent the kids to Mom’s for the night, got myself ready, but when my husband got home from work, he just grabbed a beer and the remote control, and then said, ‘Hey Batman! What’s for dinner?!’ “

Losing hand at Poker

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead, still sitting at the table. Finkelstein looks around and asked, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They drew straws and Goldberg lost. “Be discreet, Goldberg,” they said. “Don’t make a bad situation worse.” “Discreet?” he replied. “Discretion is my middle name.” Goldberg went to Meyerwitz’s apartment and knocked on the door. The wife answered the door and asked, “What are you doing here, Goldberg?” Goldberg said, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.” “Tell him to drop dead!” said the wife. “Okay. I’ll go do that!” said Goldberg.

Man on a Mission

A man’s wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including “comfortable underwear.” Worried he’d make the wrong choice, he asked, “But how will I know which ones are comfortable? ” She answered, “Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put ’em back!”

Don’t Take another step

A woman was walking down the street when she heard a booming voice shout, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She obeyed and suddenly a ton of bricks fell right where she would have been. She looked around, saw no one and assumed she imagined the voice. She continued a few minutes until the same voice cried out again, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She stopped just as an out of control car skidded past her and slammed into a utility pole. Looking around, seeing no one, she yelled, “Who are you?!” The voice answered, “I am your guardian angel. I warn you before something bad happens. Do you have any questions of me?” “Yes!” said the woman. “Where were you on my wedding day?!”