Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink. The man with the Chihuahua said, “Good idea, but the sign says ‘No Dogs.'” The man with the golden retriever smiled and said, “No problem. Follow me and do what I do.” As he entered the bar, the bartender yelled, “Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed in here!” The guy replied, “Oh, he’s my seeing-eye dog.” So the bartender relented, but then he spotted the other guy. “I’m sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in my bar.” The second guy echoed the first, “But he’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender looked skeptical. “Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?” “What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

A bear enters a bar in Billings, Montana, sits at the bar, bangs down his paw and demands a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear roars in anger, “Serve me a beer or I’ll eat that woman sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender again says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” True to his word, the bear goes to the end of the bar, eats the hapless woman, returns to his stool, sits down and again demands a beer. The bartender says, “We definitely don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings… who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!”

While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators made him cling to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber on shore, he shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” “Naw,” replied the old man. “Ain’t been none fer years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely to shore. About halfway, he paused to rest and shouted at the same old guy, “So what did they do to get rid of the gators?” “Didn’t do nothin’,” replied the beachcomber. “Sharks got ’em all!”

On nice days, a pet store put its parrot in a cage on the sidewalk out front of the shop. As a woman walked past, the parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” The lady was angry, but continued on to work. That evening, on her way home, she passed the same parrot. It said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” Now she was furious, but continue on home. The next morning, as she passed the same parrot, it again said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” That’s it! Three times was too much. She stormed into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue his store unless he could quiet that bird. He promised that he would. That evening, on her way home from work, the same lady passed the same store. The same parrot called out, “Hey, lady!” She paused and stared it straight in the eye. “Yes?” she said. The bird said, “You know!”

A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless. When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened. He explained and the zookeeper said, “I’m not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “F*¢k you.” The man vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla’s cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage. Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat. The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on. Then he picked up his horn and blew it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!