Category Archives: Jokes

Country Humor, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Redneck Jokes

Redneck Raffle (joke)

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While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra thin spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, “Great!, I love spaghetti!”

Billy Bob asked Bubba, “How ’bout you, how’s the toilet brush? “Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I’m thinking ’bout switching back to paper.”

Ethnic Jokes, Friend Jokes, Irish Jokes, Jokes

Top prize at the Irish pub (joke)

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

doctor jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Who’s in Charge? (joke)

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

‘I should be in charge,’ said the brain , ‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the blood , ‘Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the stomach,’ Because I process food and give all of you energy.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the legs, ‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the eyes, ‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the rectum, ‘Because I’m responsible for waste removal.’

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

he Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…

The asshole is usually in charge

doctor jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Test Results (joke)

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse’, he mumbles from behind the mask, ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’ He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?’

Catholic Jokes, Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

A Nun Visits Hooters (joke)

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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off.”

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”

doctor jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Gynecologist’s Assistant Opening (joke)

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A young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more – ‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies – ‘Oh yes here it is :
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That’s about 120 miles from here.’

‘Oh why, is that where the job’s at?’

‘No sir – that’s where the end of the line is…!!’

Funny Jokes, funny pics, Jokes

WTF Pic: We’re Rock Stars Baby!

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WTF Pic - We're Rock Stars baby!
This WTF Pic is just begging for a decent caption! I say it’s “We’re Rock Stars Baby”, what’s your best caption?

Funny Jokes, Irish Jokes, Jokes

An Irish Grandmother’s Advice (joke)

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A nice story – will make you appreciate family…however for most of us, it’s too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. “And always remember this thing,” she said. “Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”

“How come, Grandma?” I asked her.

She answered in her soft Irish voice. “Makes your dick look bigger.”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Happy Mental Health Day! (joke)

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Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

Happy Mental Health Day!

Funny Jokes, Jokes

The dumbest kid in the world (joke)

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

‘What did ! I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licked his cone and replied,’Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over !