The Dean of Students addressed the new freshman class, saying, “The female dormitory is off-limits to all male students and the male dormitory is off-limits to all female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for the first violation, $100 for the second violation, and $250 for any subsequent violations.” A male voice from the back called out, “How much for a season pass?”
Category Archives: Jokes
Blondes Waiting for the Bus
Two blondes were waiting for the bus. When it arrived, the door opened and one blonde asked the driver, “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue ?” The driver shook his head. “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. It won’t.” Then the other blonde leaned inside, smiled and asked, “Will it take me?”
Topless Blonde Gambling (joke)
Here’s a good blonde joke for ya – this one’s actually smart (even if she is naked)!
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless.’
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, ‘Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!’
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed ‘YES! YES! I WON! I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings, and her Clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know… I thought you were watching.’
The Old Man and Viagra (joke)
An elderly man asked his pharmacist to fill his Viagra prescription, “but would you please cut each one into four pieces?” The pharmacist balked. “That’s too small a dosage. That’s not enough to get you through sex.” “Oh, I don’t care about sex; I just want it to stick out far enough so that I don’t pee on my shoes!”
The Hypnotist on Opening Night
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was the headliner. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist in one of his few live performances. As Claude took to the stage, he declared, “Unlike ordinary hypnotists who invite two or three people onstage, I will hypnotize each and every member of tonight’s audience!” Claude withdrew from his pocket the beautiful antique pocket watch that had been in his family for generations. As the watch swung gently back and forth, Claude chanted, “Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch.” The spotlight tightened on just his hands, the mesmerized crowd stared, the light gleamed off its polished surfaces, back and forth, back and forth, until –it slipped from Claude’s fingers, fell to the floor, and broke into smithereens. “Sh*t!” said the hypnotist, under his breath. It took three weeks to clean up the theater!
The jumpy taxi driver (joke)
The passenger tapped the taxi driver on his shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control, swerved violently, nearly hitting a bus, then crossed the sidewalk, and finally stopped inches from an outdoor cafe. After a moment when neither breathed, the driver yelled at his fare, “Don’t do that! You scared the hell out of me!” The passenger apologized. “I’m sorry; I didn’t know a little tap on the shoulder would bother you.” The driver replied, “I’m sorry; it’s just that today is my first day on the job — for the last 25 years, I drove a hearse!”
The doctor in the small town (joke)
A doctor with a unique combination of skills opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Richard Smith, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The village council didn’t like that sign, so he proposed a series of alterations: “Hysterias and Posteriors,” “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids,” “Catatonics and High Colonics,” “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives,” “Minds and Behinds,” “Lost Souls and Butt Holes,” “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Queers and Rears,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks,” “Loons and Moons…” They finally settled on “Dr. Richard Smith, Odds and Ends!”
This one looks like yours (joke)
A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his neck. “What happened?” “I was playing golf with my wife when she sliced her ball out of bounds and into a cow pasture. We went looking for it and, after a while I noticed one of the cows had something white near its tail. I walked over, lifted up its tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt! And that’s when things went horribly wrong.” “What happened?” asks the doctor. “I lifted its tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, honey! This looks like yours!'”
Two Men Walking Dogs (joke)
Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink. The man with the Chihuahua said, “Good idea, but the sign says ‘No Dogs.'” The man with the golden retriever smiled and said, “No problem. Follow me and do what I do.” As he entered the bar, the bartender yelled, “Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed in here!” The guy replied, “Oh, he’s my seeing-eye dog.” So the bartender relented, but then he spotted the other guy. “I’m sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in my bar.” The second guy echoed the first, “But he’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender looked skeptical. “Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?” “What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
Doctor’s Recommendation (joke)
The old gentleman was aging more rapidly than he wanted. “Your gout seems to be getting worse,” said his doctor. “Therefore, I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex.” “What!? Just so I can walk a little better?”