A construction site foreman was interviewing applicants when in came a Norwegian. “I’m not hiring any Norwegians,” thought the foreman, so he made up a little test he was sure the applicant couldn’t pass. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” asked the Norwegian. “Dat’s easy!” and he drew three trees. “What’s this?” asked the foreman. “‘Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine!” “Hmm. Fair enough, I guess. Okay, here’s the second question: Without using numbers, represent the number 99.” The Norwegian thought a moment, then made a smudge on each of the trees. “‘Ere you go.” The boss scratched his head. “How on Earth is that supposed to be 99?” “Each tree is dirty, so that’s dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree, which makes 99!” The foreman’s got to come up with some way to stump this Norwegian, so he tried, “All right, same rules, but represent the number 100.” The Norwegian quickly grabbed his pencil, made a little mark at the base of each tree, and said, “Ere you go. A hundred!” The foreman looked dumbfounded. “How in the hell is that a hundred?” The Norwegian pointed to the marks at the base of each tree. “A little doggie just crapped by each tree, so that’s dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turf, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. Ven do you wan’ me ta start?!”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Polish Divorce (joke)
After only a year in Canada, a Polish man got married to a nice Canadian girl. They got along quite well until the day he rushed into his lawyer’s office and begged him to arrange a quick divorce. The lawyer said, “What are the circumstances? Have you any grounds?” And the Polish immigrant replied, “Ja, ja, ve’ve got an acre and a half with a nice little house.” “No, I mean, what is the foundation of your case?” “It’s made of concrete.” “Does either of you have a grudge?” “No, but we have a big carport.” “I mean, what are your relations like?” “All my relations are in Poland.” “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, we have high fidelity stereo and a CD player.” “No, I mean, does your wife beat you up? “No, I get up before her.” “Is your wife a nagger?” “What? No, she’s white.” “Why do you want this divorce anyway?” “She’s gonna kill me. She’s going to poison me.” “Really? What makes you think so?” “I’ve got proof.” “What kind of proof?” “She brought home a bottle from the drug store that says, ‘Polish Remover!'”
Road Rage (joke)
A stressed-out woman driving an SUV was tailgating a man driving a small car down a busy street. When the man stopped at a yellow light, the woman went berserk, screamed, honked her horn, and flipped off the poor guy — all because she didn’t get to race through the yellow light behind him. As she cursed away, there was a tap on her window and she turned to see a very serious police officer. He ordered her to exit the car with her hands up, hauled her off to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and locked in a cell. After several hours, she was taken back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He explained, “I’m sorry for the mistake, lady, but when I pulled up behind you and you were blowing your horn, giving the finger, and cussing up a blue streak. Then I noticed your ‘Choose Life’ license plate frame, your ‘What Would Jesus Do?” bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ sign in your rear window, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on your trunk and I naturally assumed the car was stolen!”
A Man is Buying A Banana
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: “Wow, how did you know?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
Hypnotism Works (joke)
If only hypnotism worked like this on everything!
A woman told her husband, “I finally got rid of those headaches that have killed me all these years. I saw a hypnotist today and he told me to stand before a mirror and repeat to myself, ‘I do not have a headache’ three times. It worked! My headache is gone.” Her husband replied, “That’s wonderful. Maybe he could help my libido.” The next day he went to the hypnotist. When he got home, he ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife, carried her to their bedroom, put her on the bed, and said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.” He spent a few minutes in the bathroom, returned, and made passionate love like he hadn’t in years! His wife said, “That was wonderful! Want to go again?” He said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back” and headed to the bathroom. Curious, this time she followed him. She found him standing before the mirror saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife! She’s…”
Thirty Years of Deposits
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had “charged” him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If
I’d had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!”
That’s when she shot him.
The More You Drink (joke)
A bloke went into a pub, sat down at the bar and ordered five pots. The barman wondered since he was alone, but served up the five pots. And the bloke downed them all… one, two, three, four, five. As he finished the last one, he called to the barman and ordered four more. The barman served up four pots and the bloke downed them… one, two, three, four. He belched, swayed a little on his stool, but ordered three more. And again he knocked them back… one, two, three. “Two potsh, mate!” he called. The barman served him two pots and down they went… one, two. “One pot, sssir!” The barman served him one but the bloke just sat there, staring at it, trying to focus. Then he told the barman, “Y’know, it’sh ssstrange, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I feel!”
The Golf Genie (joke)
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“NO SHIT.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”
The Blonde in Biology Class (blonde joke)
The biology professor was discussing the high glucose level of semen when a blonde co-ed raised her hand. “Are you saying there’s a lot of sugar in male semen?” “Correct,” responded the professor, adding more statistical material. The same girl raised her hand again. “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” The entire class burst out laughing, her face turned bright red, she said not a word, picked up her books, and walked straight out of class never to return. As she left, the professor added with a straight face, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat!”
[tags]funny, joke, blonde joke, comedy, humor[/tags]
The Small Town Sherriff (joke)
The small town sheriff pulled over a Porsche doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 zone. Its wealthy yuppie driver was steaming. When he finally appeared before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you’re going to give me a fine. This place must be the a$$hole of the world!” The magistrate softly replied, “Mebbe so, but you’re what’s passing through it!”